Here’s something that came to me in the middle of a shower, turning up almost fully formed and demanding to be set free from my brain. I spilt the words onto my computer, edited it on the run and read it right off my screen on stage. The last time this happened, it turned into a piece that has become my calling card.
This thought has been in my head for years now. I’ve already written it as a blogpost before. Misogynist whining masquerades as desi poetry. But this piece showed up in my head just last week, whatever be its backstory and I had fun giving it life.
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Week 1 and here are the reactions to what happened last Monday.
“How awful! Don’t let this stop you from speaking up.”
“I didn’t realise how bad it was till you pointed it out and now I’m overwhelmed by how much condescension, invalidation and assaults men perpetrate daily on me.”
“We need to call it out.”
will bash him up!”
“Smile! At least I care for you so not all men are like that.”
“I’m going to do a poem about women’s rights.”
“CLAP! CLAP! So true! You’re right! You’re the man”
– to the male feminist.
“The reason you get attacked is because you hate men.”
“Why don’t you engage in dialogue with these people instead of getting angry?”
“I am going to talk to the organisers and teach them how to deal with this guy.”
“I only said that as a joke and you should not mind it. Anyway the other host always says such things about you.”
– The host of the day.
“I have enough sisters and girlfriends who tell me I’m a great guy so I know I’m not a misogynist. You’re just being silly.”
– The other host
“Women’s Day is coming up.”
“He’s just an immature kid.”
And once again, here’s the piece that got called ‘man-hater’ and resulted in a man harassing me in a crowded room. Feel free to prove your manliness by writing thinkpieces, poetry and having manels about women’s rights now. March 8 is just ten days away and you might have to listen to me or another woman for 24 whole hours! Hurry now!
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We’re leading up to the grand tamasha called Women’s Day where you can expect to see the world pat itself on the back for giving half its population one day. You’ll also find a lot of men applauding each other for being so considerate of women. And congratulating one another on what good men they are for allowing women a special day. And finally, refraining from PMS jokes for that one day. Well done, men.
Here is a piece that I performed this Monday. Before I went up on stage, I was announced as
‘That poet who the women will love and the men better beware because the poetry is going to slap them’.
Once I finished, I was asked why I disliked men so much. Then a young man I barely knew parked himself next to me and in the semi-darkness during the subsequent performances, proceeded to harass me on my social adjustment issues, my hatred of men and my problematic past. Of note, said young man is also a poet who is infrequent on the scene. He also has a bad stammer and earlier in the evening, I had applauded his performance because I know how much courage it takes to go up on stage. He did not however, feel equally kindly towards me. He also felt perfectly able to attack me in a place where I’m a regular and when I was surrounded by friends. This is not the first time men have behaved in such a manner on the performance/poetry scene and every single time I protested, I’ve been told that I was taking things too seriously or that ‘he’s just young’.
Here’s the piece I performed. Dare I point out that it doesn’t mention men anywhere?
After all, feminism is only feminism when a man speaks about it. A male feminist is a hero and a female feminist is nothing more than an angry, man-hating bitch. Thank you for putting me in my place, fellow poets.
It looks like the stage does not permit me to speak my mind so let me hide on my blog for as long as it takes for the trolls to find me. Tonight a lot of you stay up celebrating a god whose legacy includes blurring gender roles, assimilating the masculine and the feminine and indeed, expressing an open need of his equal half – his female partner and side. That’s it. Think about it. You can wish me on 8th March on the one day in the year I don’t have to apologise for not being male and then congratulate yourselves for doing so. Thank you.
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Earlier this month, I tweeted the following:
“More and more it becomes obvious that testosterone and machismo are the biggest problems this world faces. Can we just ban men?”
The reactions I received proved my point and make me firmly NOT apologetic for it. Personal attacks. Rape threats. Attack threats. Abuses. Trolling. It went on for over four days.
One woman badgered me about the sexism (tweets deleted now) and said I was as bad as the men I had complained about earlier, who indulged in casual sexism. When I tweeted later about the attacks coming my way, she called it ‘convenient victimisation‘.
Men who did not attack me badgered me to ‘prove’ that these were rape threats. I was asked how I felt about women drivers. They demanded that I prove these were attacks.
Two male friends got involved and how? By talking down to me, by mansplaining and by telling me not to attack all men. One of them unfollowed me when I retailiated. Another one posted a sly complaining tweet and has not bothered to have a conversation even after I’ve reached out. Why really should I care about men and what they feel? Because if I don’t, I’ll be punished over and over again.
Four people reached out, on the phone. That’s it.Not one of the causes and people I’ve supported over the years said a word. Everyone else continued tweeting as per usual, outraging about the fashionable causes and intellectualising about movie censorship, women’s rights and comedy.
I felt an immense sense of betrayal and shame for days. Why do I want to stand up for the cause of women when they won’t support me but actively take part in attacking me? Why should I support gay rights, transgender rights, environmental activists, social change drivers when not a single one of them gives a f&*( about my safety? I’m just a number to add to their support figures.
I am so disappointed in the world. And every time I express this, I get versions of ‘But why are you so hard on men?’ and ‘Not all men are like that’ and ‘Arre, you are just unlucky. Ignore the trolls, na.’
I don’t have a way to end this post because I don’t want to spew curses on the world I’m superstitious enough to believe that all of it will only rebound on me and well, do I really need any more problems? I’m already a prisoner of a lifetime sentence of being a woman with a voice. No further punishment, please. I’ll learn to STFU eventually.
Update: The trolls have followed me to this blog. What kind of a farce allows people to call themselves feminists while also harassing a woman who said something that men didn’t like?
Update 2: Over a month since the original incident happened, I am still getting slammed for that tweet (see some of the comments to this post itself). It just makes men SO angry doesn’t it, that a woman refuses to apologize for saying something they don’t like? To be clear, I’m not denying that the tweet was sexist. But reverse the genders in my tweet and you have the kind of things that get said often but rarely called out. How is men’s needless aggression any superior to women’s (so-called) hysteric reactions?
So gender jokes and misogynistic statements are now politically incorrect. But few people seem to have any qualms bitching about women drivers. These are usually accompanied by rolling of the eyes and a knowing nod (from the listener). I find it hard to believe that in this day and age of rational thought and scientific evidence, people can still think that a person may be a bad driver simply because she’s a woman. Driving is a skill (just like swimming, cooking, painting, mathematical thinking), one that involves a sense of direction, co-ordination, space, speed and timing in addition to knowledge of using the vehicle. How could it be gender-specific?
One thing that is notable though, is the harassment that is meted out to a woman on the road, even in a so-called ‘safe’ city like Mumbai. When I’m trying to cross the road, I find drivers often speed up in an attempt to ‘scare’ me. I know this because when I jump, they usually laugh and often even slow down just to show that they were just doing it for a joke. To aggravate the matter further, when I then try to cross, the behavior continues and my only alternative is to wait for the boors to pass before trying to cross.
A woman behind the wheel, faces a vehicular version of the same thing. I’ve seen drivers swing in alarmingly close, try to cut off, lane-change and blare their horns unnecessarily when they notice the person in the driving seat is a woman. I know all of these are visible to any driver; it just seems a lot more when the driver is female. As above, these are usually accompanied by jeers, laughter and even offensive gestures. So the average woman driver has to contend with bad roads, traffic jams, pollution and noise and above all that, harassment too. How many men would drive well if they were subjected to the same thing, every minute that they were on the road?
There is any number of bad drivers on the road and yes, some of them are women. But it’s preposterous to label the entire gender as being bad drivers. The accident rates don’t show any discernable differences between offenders of either gender. That makes me want to think women on an average, may be better drivers (and not worse) since they handle a more stressful situation with the same degree of success (or failure). Male chauvinists, think before you make a wisecrack about lady drivers – this time the joke’s on you.
A version is also posted on Yahoo! Real Beauty.
Yesterday I was thinking about snobbery. I sometimes tell people, “Some women are snobbish about looks, some about money…Me? I’m an intelligence-snob.” What that translates into, my dear men, (the women never need to have things explained in simplistic terms!) is what traits we consider the ‘differentiating factor’ between us and them
You see it everywhere….that which we consider important is what we look for in other people, gravitate to those who have it and shun those who don’t. Hence the looks-obsessors preen together and turn up their noses at those who don’t worship beauty. The material girls fly to the monied like iron filings to magnets. The achiever types will only hang out with others with degrees and awards and trophies. And those like myself seek out other chronic thinkers and generally view the remaining as part of the scenery.
Men are different however. I’ve tried and tried to think of what it is that draws men together and I haven’t been able to see any discernable patterns. Slobs, dandies, studs, nerds, bad boys, good boys, jocks….all of them hang around in an almost unnatural (to me!) bonhomie. Their interests, their occupations, their personalities may span the entire human spectrum but they all look comfortable being together. Because when it comes down to it, there seems to be only thing that they even consider bonding on. Hence my conclusion: Men are only ever snobbish about sex-related issues.
Ever notice how a group of guys sitting around and chatting will invariably be in agreement when it comes to bitching about ex-girlfriends, gossiping about the new ones around, discussing the latest ‘techniques’ (and god alone knows what other rubbish) and exchanging new ideas to torment the opposite sex (Long live Bill Waterson for the creation of G.R.O.S.S….I don’t think men ever grow out of that!!!)
This morning I read about what Sagnik calls The Sex and the City syndrome (and I’m willing to bet half the population just sat up at the sight of the ‘s’ word!!). I enjoy doing the sort of id quizzes that he describes. I have also been accused (especially by men) of ‘thinking too much’. It occurs to me that women like to identify with others, with each other, to bond and to group. We like looking for things in common, people who are ‘like’ us. Men on the other hand, driven perhaps by the primitive lone hunter instinct, prefer to stake out their turf and not have any competition from someone with similar intents or interests. There is probably a basic human need to bond (there I’ve said it…they belong to the human race too!!) hence they bond but only on a very basic level. None of the messing around with shared wavelength for the XY-factor.
Is that perhaps a more rational viewpoint? Or am I going to be accused to thinking too much again by the testosterone brigade?