The Lowest Priority Box

Last week, I drew a line and said,

“I’m done. No more. Goodbye.”

I have lived through the dreadfulness of limbo, the sheer callousness of men who will not spend a minute reflecting on their feelings. And you know what? It is just not that important any more. 2017 wrecked such a heavy toll on me that I gave up (the last time I did this was in 2000). In my resigned surrender, something happened. I gave up the faith that the world of men has anything good for me.

I have not stopped feeling. But this feeling, this unresolved mess sits in an Odds & Ends box that is lowest priority in my life. Like most women, I have always prioritised the romantic relationship over everything else – my health, my career, my dreams, my ambitions, my family and friendships. I am done.

The person I’ve drawn that line for has made feeble attempts to get me to revoke it. Too little, too late – do men really not understand that this can become a thing? No, I guess they don’t. How could they, when their entire lives are taken up by their immediate demands? There is no room for anybody else or situational realities.

I say this with no hatred and all the resignation in the world. There is no point prioritising anything over a relationship with a man. That’s too big a gamble and guess what? The house of patriarchy always wins. I’m declaring a truce with male commitment-phobia, fuccboiness, mama’s boy syndrome, Madonna/Whore complexes and all other things male. I can’t eliminate you from this world. I can’t even keep you from entering my life. But I can relegate you to the lowest priority in my universe. Stay in the outhouse with your shit.

I cannot wait to stop wanting altogether. Maybe menopause will bring a pause in men too.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on May 18, 2018, in Being Woman, Flying solo, Men, men, men and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Sorry to hear your frustrating experience.

    i too am struggling with feelings yearnings and wanting.could not sleep the whole night as my dreams were filled with passion of someone not there.i am going to try to live at a nice ashram near Pune.i don’t know if it will make it better or worse .

  2. The Answer & the Solution to this is be a fuckboi yourself. It’s only when we do exactly what they do, the power game will turn the tables. They’ll lose the power over us, because we now do & sell the same shit. Lol. But for that, like Kangana Ranaut, you have to be okay with being called a Whore. The words only have meanings, when you give it to them. I read somewhere that women, with the help of Science, will be able to produce kids without needing men. That’s great. But what if I just wanna fuck all my life and not have kids? Men can do that, without being labelled anything at all. So why can’t we? Why want the commitment at all? When they sense that you “want” and “yearn” for something, they withold it, and that gives them immense power. Feminism is about equality i guess. Men need to stop having any kind of power over us. If that leads to me wanting to be a fuckboi, I am cool with it. In fact, it sounds liberating and interesting!

    • Hi Shachi, yes feminism is equality which includes sex-positivity. So yes, every adult should have the right to their choices on sex, regardless of gender. The technology for test tube babies and artificial insemination has been around for years. Men are needed to produce the sperm but a woman doesn’t exactly need a partner to have a baby and raise it. For generations around the world, women have raised children on their own so this isn’t new either.

      I don’t believe that men are uniformly monsters. The problem is the social system which let men get away scott-free with behaving like this and that is what I’m opposing. When I say I’m prioritising men lowest, it’s because the only kind of men I can see around are those who willingly exhibit this monstrous behavior just because they can. They’re rubbish human beings and I don’t have to give them any more importance. I don’t think the solution to dealing with fuckbois and other toxic people is to be one yourself though. A fuckboi is not someone who enjoys sex, it’s someone who is deliberately inconsiderate and even abusive of people because they know they can get away with it. Not me, not going to do it.

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