I Could Love But Wait, Who Am I?
The month of love is almost at end and I’ve managed to not even look at this blog. That characterises how I’ve been. I have been very busy doing things I’m generally known for (writing, performing, organising, scheduling, worrying) and spending nothing at all on things that I am. I never stop being a woman but some days it’s easy to coast along at the job. Yes, this is a job, or even a performance. And this month I’ve not even looked at the stage.
Things like putting on a bra the right way, managing my period and other such habits continue – to change or stop them would feel like some sort of acknowledgement of womanhood even.
I’ve thought in an abstract, intellectual way about the experience of being woman, fodder as it is for SXonomics. And it has felt the same way thinking about MBA does now. These thoughts are supposed to be memories with that sepia touch of the intimate, the frayed imperfection of real life. But they sit more like ideas and thoughts, with the neat precision of words I have used often and which don’t really move me either way.
It’s impossible to forget about love in the month of February. It’s a relief that the blatant commercialism and rabid politics around Valentine’s Day have faded. But the last vestiges remain and nowhere as rampantly as in the poetry circles I frequent. I tried to dredge up memories in lieu of actual sentiment (so as not to poison everyone’s mood with my nasty past). I found myself able to write again, which is nice. But there isn’t anything to write about.
Living feels like a new machine feverishly churning out its output till it overheats and shuts off, only to start again when cooler. I’m efficienting. I’m not really feeling or being. But one cannot suddenly be or feel something one does not. It just happens; it just is. And until such time that I am or womanhood happens, love must probably be a distant goal.
Still, noticing where I am and being okay about it, is a form of self-love too, I guess. Happy Valentine’s Month to me and to all of you waiting to become you.