A Generation Of ‘Forgive & Forget’

I went to lunch with a beloved aunt, last week. She is one of my role models, having blazed the corporate path in the 70s and faced racial and gender prejudices. She has also had a ‘love marriage’ to a wonderful but non-Tamilian man. We spoke of work (hers and mine) and relationships (mine). She asked me about someone from my past that she knew. I shrugged and said,

“He’s well, I hear. Doing some great work. We don’t talk often but I get the news.”

She looked out of the window for a long minute. I waited for the nugget of wisdom or keen observation I knew was about to come (from so many other such insightful conversations with her). She said,

“I think it’s a generation thing. I can’t imagine any of my peers being able to do that.”

She was referring of course, to how ‘okay’ we are with our ex-es. She told me about a friend who studiously avoided a certain couple, because once, years ago, the man had been discussed as an arranged matrimonial prospect for her.

Forgive and Forget

I didn’t need time to respond because it’s something I’ve pondered and experienced, especially this last year too. It is a generational thing, sort of. I don’t think that we are any more ‘mature’ or ‘strong’ or any of those adjectives that people use to make themselves feel superior. It is true that we don’t cut our failed/thwarted relationships off as much as the previous generation might have. Sometimes, we even seem to achieve that miraculous state of being friends with our exes. But I think it is necessity rather than virtue that drives us.

We live in an even more populous but much more connected world than the generation before us. The matrix of human experience is comprised of multiple and multi-layered connections. While there are more of us, we are also segmented a lot more rigidly and closely. Everybody knows everybody within our segments.

Take my case, for instance. All my associations are with people who are in cities, digitally savvy, in professions like management, communication, marketing, publishing. These are people whose lives overlap with mine because of the place we are in, the professions we follow, the hobbies we enjoy and the activities we pursue. There are bound to be several people who know us – colleagues, friends, acquaintances, partners, clients – people who are one thing to one of us and another to the other (my friend is his classmate, his neighbor is my colleague etc).

In order to truly cut a person out of this, I would have to snip off all the other connections. And for each of those connections, there would be numerous others to be severed. I’m not even counting all the possibilities that I’d be saying no to. (“I can’t work in that company because his best friend works there”, “I can’t go to that party because his current girlfriend is an event sponsor.”) Completely severing one relationship means tearing the entire social fabric around me and limiting my own existence. Is any one person worth that effort?

I think most of us don’t actually feel the same trusting, affectionate friendship for our exes that we feel for people that we don’t share a romantic history with. But we manage to tolerate them, put aside strong emotions in favour of dignity/political correctness/peace. And over time it gets easier and almost real. I’m not great friends with anybody who has hurt me in a relationship before. But I don’t wish them harm. And mostly I’m enough at peace with it to not put our common associations through inconvenience. And as weeks, months, years pass, other people and associations take priority.

Which brings me to, the fact that we have more choices. Even in tradition-bound, family-values-strangled urban India. Widow remarriage, divorce, break-ups – these are realities that we don’t like but find ways to accept anyway. Having options for the future is the surest, easiest way to keep from clinging to the past. Who has the time and energy to stay upset over a five-year-old association when the demands of the current are so pressing? Not my generation.

*Image courtesy nuttakit on FreeDigitalPhotos.net.


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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on April 1, 2014, in Ex-factor, Friendship, Laws of Attraction, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Relationships are often complicated than not– your post talks about issues relevant to our situation today.

    Stopping by via the AZ challenge. Please let us know if you intend to participate, cos we’re cleaning the list of non participants right now.

    Should you decide to take part, place the challenge badge in your sidebar.

    Co-host, A to Z Challenge 2014

    Twitter: @damyantig

    • @Damyanti: I’m already participating. Have completed A & B for Days 1 & 2 respectively.

      • That’s great– didn’t see the posts, nor did any member of my team..sorry about that. Could you link me to your posts?

      • @Damayanti: Sure. Perhaps the confusion is because I run two blogs, both my personal ones but on different topics. The Idea-smithy is fiction, cityscapes and general life musings. XX Factor is gender politics, feminism and relationships. So far I’ve posted two stories so they go on The Idea-smithy. In the course of the month, I may post on XX Factor, if the material fits there better. Is that okay?

        Day 1: http://ideasmithy.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/a-is-for-anniversary/

        Day 2: http://ideasmithy.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/b-is-for-bff/

      • Hi,
        I’m sorry but so as not to confuse those who are participating, we require that you participate only in the blogs that you have signed up at the list.

        Is this blog not signed up?

      • @Damyanti: Both the blogs are signed up. I’m the author of both blogs. The only reason they’re two is because my service didn’t allow categories when I first started blogging. And I was intending to write through the month, just not yet sure on what topics. Depending on the topic, they’d go on one or the other blog.

        Just FYI, the links are:

        The Idea-smithy: http://ideasmithy.wordpress.com
        XX Factor: https://xxfactor.wordpress.com

      • Usually, the idea is to participate with a blog with 26 posts– that’s the challenge. I’m participating with two blogs as well, but both blogs have 26 posts each.

        The spirit of the challenge is to do 26 posts on 1 blog, not divide it up on two blogs. Usually we take out blogs from the list that don’t participate everyday, so by divvying your posts, your blogs might get eliminated.

        I would suggest you keep one or the other blog, or make 26 posts on each, cos that’s the challenge.

      • @Damyanti: Okay, then. Since I’ve started on The Idea-smithy, I’ll continue on it. This is http://ideasmithy.wordpress.com.

        Thank you.

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