You Can’t Hurry Love…Or A Man!

Phil Collins tells me that,

“You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.”

A friend’s mother imparts the following wisdom on men and marriage,

“Don’t expect any kind of sense for about 3 years. After that they kind of settle down.”

PATIENCE is a virtue, apparently a prized one for a woman. Me? I never met a man who didn’t make me, within hours, want to bang my head on the wall. Irrespective of how much I liked him. I think men are like that. Born to annoy.

How does thou annoy me? Let’s count. (In no particular order of priority, they’re all equally irksome)

  • Stubbornness
  • Bird-watching
  • Commitment-phobia
  • Juvenile jokes (toilet humour, anyone?)
  • Bad taste in clothes, furniture, colors, everything!
  • Complete cluelessness about the concept of ‘Conversation’
  • Hormone surges (okay, cross that, it isn’t always a problem)
  • EEEEEEGO (with a huge, big, monstrous, mammoth of an E)
  • Mixed-up priorities (“Let’s go watch the match now!”, “Why do you need to shop again?”)
  • The gall to comment on my taste (“Haha, your brown lipstick looks like you’ve eaten mud!”)

Phewwww..*Deeeeep breath* I think I’m forgetting. I’ve never been high on patience anyway. Some day, some day, some day I’ll learn to tolerate a man being a man. And not keep looking into those starry-eyes and asking,

“Okay, have we grown-up as yet?”

—————————————————————————————————————

An earlier version is here. A version is also posted at Yahoo! Real Beauty.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on February 7, 2011, in Battle of the sexes, Featured, Relationships, Survival Guide, Yahoo! and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 48 Comments.

  1. I haven’t run into these issues yet and it’s close to thirteen years now! I guess they come in all kinds… 🙂

    • @Lakshmi: Grrrrr, now I’m jealous!

      • Let me rephrase. It’s just that with so many years between P and I, it’s far more comfortable. Probably that’s why some of these niggling issues don’t seem so annoying any more… You just begin to accept them as part of the person. Also, the last few years have seen monumental changes in both of us. I attribute them to our spiritual practices. So most of the rough edges have worn off now.

      • @Lakshmi: I guess I see what you mean. Being still fairly new in this relationship (and to committed, serious relationships in general), I’m still struggling with the petty but distracting issues that are surfacing.

  2. come..on..

    men r crazi for woman –
    and women appear mad to man –
    that is routine –
    i wonder if there is any bridge between these species –

    • @pradeep. 😀 True, that. The differences certainly make things more interesting. As for the bridge, generations of people have spent their lives trying to figure that out. Our society still exists with man-woman relationships so I guess each of us will just have to keep plodding till we find a way.

  3. I couldnt agree more. Absolute-undeniable yet untolerable-truth!!!

  4. listen… This is the problem with women.. you are always self centred…. U think y men r like this and that…. As if u are soo perfect and senseful, ur xpectng a man to b in his senses??? U want to control the man and U want him the U want him to be… infact, U dont want him to have his freedom… in this case.. I think its ri8 to call you a B***h…. I wil b surprised if anybody had proposed to an idiot like you!!

    • @Itachi: This is an open discussion blog but it belongs to me. I’m happy to listen to other opinions, even when they conflict with mine. But abusive language and name-calling is not permissible. I shot you an email but it bounced back. I trust you’ll be a little more civil in your expression next time, so I’m not blocking you.

  5. and one more thing..am not saying all men are good..neither are all men bad… A woman like you probably deserves only a man like you mentioned earlier……. so dont go around blabberng that men are born to annoy…. and If U haven’t realised. men dont go around creating blogs and posting that woman are not good..any idea y???? cuz vr more matured and v knw how to adjust… so, just shut the F up!

  6. and if men are born to annoy, women are bloody well born to be immatured always!!!

  7. You cannot change a person or fit into each others way of life. Accept them as an individual. But most of all marriage works on a daily basis of real communication skills. Two partners join in a relationship. You call it partnership. So every decision you make financially, or socializing, or purchasing, investing etc. should be done in consultation with each other. Communicate whatever you want in life and keep them posted of your day to day routine whether it be children etc. Marriage is a private life between two souls. Keep your distance with inlaws. Trouble starts when we discuss matters with inlaws. Be confidential about your marriage affairs and financial details. Help only when necessary. Marriage works on trust and confidence in your partner. Work on your marriage daily and you will be able to handle your life smoothly.

    • @Fiona: I think letting any third person intrude into the relationship is a mistake, whether it’s a parent or a friend or anyone else. Communication is the key, as you put it. The tricky bit is learning to communicate with each other. Men do seem hard-wired to look at expression and emotions differently from us.

  8. IdeaSmith, I really sympathize with your situation. But there are gentlemen without the pronounced warts you describe! Needless to add, these are irksome.

  9. I think that instead of critical analysis, it would be far better and wonderful if we accept our spouse/boyfriend/husband (vice versa) the way they are – with their virtues and vices!! No one is perfect in this world!! I agree @IdeaSmith that the key is learning to communicate with each other and that happens when we accept each other without any unrealistic expectations and invest time and love into that relationship. But time is really the key. All the best!!

  10. Ha ha… Nice to get a look-in to a girl’s (woman’s??) mind..

    Men are indeed all you said. And more. Multiple reasons could be there for it, some purely evolutionary, some societal and a few individual.
    And again, discounting even for these, there is the issue of perception. Some wise man said that whatever judgement you pass on others, also reflects a bit on yourself. The way you judge men tells one, of the benchmarks you hold them to and the expectations you judge them against.

    I am not criticizing that. Infact the above is inevitable. But again, think of the poor man. He is not on earth just for the sake of one being. He has to live and move in a way which helps him keep a good stead in society ( just like the Gorilla needs to be regarded in its territory, man too feels the need). And again he has to present himself in a way which maximizes his chances of getting a mate (now call me blunt, but thats the core reason for our existence. Everything else from blogging to shopping takes a backseat when confronted with the evolutionary need). Men have realized over the years that displaying the qualities that you have listed out earlier maximizes their chances of fulfilling the above 2 objectives, and have resorted to acting that way. And that works just fine, until we confront members of the species who are farther up the evolutionary ladder.

    What you construe as stubbornness maybe intended as assertiveness. Whats seen as commitment phobia may actually be an attempt at presenting an image of not being too desperate to get into a relationship. And if you find that someone lacks conversation skills, please be considerate enough to steer the discussion when around them. I cant speak for all men, but I personally take time to warm up. And again, women like to make nice crosswords puzzles out of themselves. The poor guy has to figure out one clue after another to get a complete picture. And unless the complete set is solved, its hard to understand what you like to talk about and what you dont., And those who do try to find out through trial and error often give up in the act,

    The ideal man doesnt exist beyond the covers of those Barnes and Nobles books. Men should be loved for their limitations and not strengths. They should be respected for their attempts and not achievements. They may have a varied list of priorities, but as long as you figure somewhere in that list, you must be happy. I am not suggesting that women shouldn’t me demanding. They should be. Thats what fuels evolution, a demanding mate who wont accept you till you conform. But then they should also be actively involved in improving the person and making whatever they want out of them.

    Loved your article. Hope my response makes sense to you. If not, I may still have some evolving to do.

    • @casualstrokes: Very valid points, all of them. For starters, I don’t deny that I have very high expectations of the world around me. Since men are such an integral part of it, you can imagine the heavy duty responsibility they shoulder.

      I don’t quite agree with stubborness = assertiveness. The latter feels like an active drive to do and gain something while the former just shows up as closed-headedness and limited world view, just because.

      Committment-phobia is a phrase I’m seeing tossed about far too often and always by men who approach women, sex and relationships in the most caddish way possible. All the fun of an opposite-sex association with none of the responsibilities (even those as basic as courtesy, respect and loyalty). There are men and women who are not desperate to get into a relationship and would like to be known as such (both I and my boyfriend have each been that way). But I’d call them prudent rather than committment-phobic.

      But yes, I think most of my gender does surround itself with these complex, manipulative signals, all in a bid to add to the ‘feminine mystique’. It’s not helping anyone as far as I can see but it’s happening.

      Thank you for taking the time to not just read my article but articulate a very solid response. Comments such as these make a blogger’s effort in writing the post, totally worth it! I hope I’ll hear from you on XX Factor again!

    • @Casualstrokes: Every point is valid.. Really appreciate… and it makes me wonder coz when ppl say ‘Behind every successful man there is a woman’ is it only because ‘Women are always behind successful men ??’ 😛 🙂

  11. @Itachi – Life is not to be taken seriously…it is to be lived…..there are all kinds of rumors floating around for women…women r weak, they blabber, they’re control freaks..they take ur friends away, they spoil ur game nights, they cry, they are jealous, they talk too much, they can not handle relationships….i mean all kinds of things….so, whats so bad about a lil bit of bitching abt men…..afterall its just text……both men n women have thier faults….but maturity lies in accepting ur faults and moving on…..women accept that we have more emotional needs than men….i dont understand why men wont accept that they are mean and selfish and unfaithful…..unreliable!!

  12. You sound like shiv-sena activist !!! Hate Men get noticed!! Stand bare with skimpy colthes get noticed get popular!!! Typical women’s easy ways of seeking attention !! Guess you got all the attention u needed… congrats you are POPULAR!!!

    • @Abhishek: Triple exclamation points. Abusive language. Claims based on no evidence. Personal attacks. Who’s being an attention-seeker, here?

      • Claims based on no evidence isnt this blog all about tat 😛 i suggest it u read it once more coz the problem with internet is ppl dont think beofre they blog they just sleep-blog 🙂 yup i am seekin your attention by all the exclaimation marks unlike you seeking attention of ppl…. and its to make you realise the perceptions are better kept with themselves not to be put on the internet….

      • @Abhishek: This is my blog, sweetie. I can say what I like on it. If you have a problem, just click that little ‘X’ in the top-right corner. Since you haven’t responded to my polite request for civility, I’m going to treat you like a troll.

      • hahaha u r awesome… u r just like Al-Quieda of women, for women 😛 🙂 i agree its ur blog ur views but its something about a group of human beings to which i belong to.. its about MEN… and ur godamn views and perceptions are better kept to urself….. One of the worst part of internet is empowers and voices out even the most stupid voices…..Troll LOL just say tat u dont have an answer!!

      • @Abhishek: It’s normally not my policy to block commenters, even when their opinions contradict mine. But there’s no room for offensive boors here. Enjoy your last comment on XX Factor and go vent elsewhere.

      • [This comment has been removed by the moderator, for trolling.]

      • @Abhishek: I agree for any men who does not belong to the category of the above mentioned traits this blog is highly provocative and offensive…but i guess you should just relax and calm your nerves.. abusing wont help in anyway… as long as there is a media there are ‘blah blah s’ going around the world… just ignore it 🙂

      • @shradha: Yup makes sense 🙂 igonring the ‘blah blah’ 🙂

  13. Hi, I am first time posting on blog, so sorry if i make some mistake.
    I think in relationship both have to understand their needs, strength, comforts and emotion. as always spoken that women are more emotional than men, but truly men are more emotional than women. think is that they can not express it. i think all the men wants that her spout understand what he needs. As your demand boyfriend or husband also have to understand his spouts, but truly speaking we cant understand girls. there are many reasons. first of all we get many responsibility in society when we get girlfriend or wife. secondly we have to maintain our economic level and also have to work harder to earn more to complete girls demand. and also we have to think about future planning and investment for better future. so there are so much things to understand. and after that only 1 person in our life for whom we are running day and night tell us that you didn’t understand me that’s immaturity shows. if some 1 near you didnt understand you, you have right to tell him, so they should understand what you think, if no 1 will tell their feelings in relationship either its good or bad than that relationship never sustain, its end with some reason some day.
    Hope you will get my point.

    • @Rishi: Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts. I believe this is your first comment so welcome to XX Factor. I agree with you on most of those things. If you take a minute to browse some of my other posts, notably the ones categorized ‘Mindful’, you’ll see I often write about the difficulties that men face in today’s scenario too. XX Factor looks at gender stereotypes and not just women’s issues.

      However it is also a personal blog and by its nature has a kickass, bold and brash tone, which my readers like. This post was merely a rant and I think many of my readers (who include a number of men) would take it with a pinch of salt and perhaps laugh it off. I hope you’ll see the humour in it too.

      Again, thank you for commenting and I hope to hear your thoughts on my other posts too!

  14. This is really funny.. Nagging and woman two sides of the same coin..

    * Stubbornness
    Do you need a yes-ma’am ?

    * Commitment-phobia
    Need to think whether he would be able to fund her shopo-phobia

    * Juvenile jokes (toilet humour, anyone?)
    Better than friends’s friend rumour

    * Bad taste in clothes, furniture, colors, everything!
    Not everything that isn’t expensive isn’t good.. women associate taste to money..

    * Complete cluelessness about the concept of ‘Conversation’
    Complete clueless about anything other than bitching about other good looking mwne..

    * Hormone surges (okay, cross that, it isn’t always a problem)
    PMS ??????

    * EEEEEEGO (with a huge, big, monstrous, mammoth of an E)
    Possessiveness? Suspicion? Jealousy?

    * Mixed-up priorities (“Let’s go watch the match now!”, “Why do you need to shop again?”)
    Shopping is not just for fun. There could be things done without spending truck loads of money.

    * The gall to comment on my taste (“Haha, your brown lipstick looks like you’ve eaten mud!”)
    Why ask when afraid of inputs?

  15. Being a woman i feel that there you are basing your judgment and opinions based upon a few men…. I request you edit your blog and replace the words ‘man/men’ with ‘some man/ few men’… and my sincere adivce to you dear is please go out there and meet more people…. not all women are same and so likely not all men are same

    • @Shradha: I believe this is your first comment so welcome to XX Factor. This is a personal blog, not an editorial so the posts are often opinions, perceptions and even biases. Just for the record, this post was meant to be a light rant. I am lucky to have a number of wonderful men in my life as family or friends. I also have a boyfriend who is a pretty great guy (and who reads this blog). So rest assured, these are not the thoughts of someone who has had no human experiences whatsoever.

      I understand that the tone is brash and hard-hitting but I’ve been told that that is what makes this blog distinctive and fun to read. Many of my readers are men, who enjoy the verbal sparring.

      Since you got involved in a conversation with Abhishek (whose comments have been barred from this blog on account of being abusive), I should tell you that trolls have a common but not permissible presence on the blogosphere. This being my blog and my space, I share my opinion. If someone doesn’t like it, they are welcome to speak up or even leave. But I draw the line at personal attacks and unncessary viciousness. XX Factor has been fun to write and (I’m told) fun for my readers to read for over six years. I don’t intend to let any malicious voices ruin that flavour.

      Thank you for commenting.

      • This is a personal blog, not an editorial so the posts are often opinions, perceptions and even biases.
        — i am very well aware of it and i am just trying to change ur opinion dear. I hope to try my best to convince you the fact sweetie 🙂

        Just for the record, this post was meant to be a light rant…..I understand that the tone is brash and hard-hitting but I’ve been told that that is what makes this blog distinctive and fun to read.
        — light rant with a tone thats hard-hitting. So if thats not offensive or provocative i dono wat else would be 🙂 guess either many of ur readers just igonre fact or are scared to tell you dear 😛 but i beg to differ 🙂

        I am lucky to have a number of wonderful men in my life as family or friends. I also have a boyfriend who is a pretty great guy (and who reads this blog). So rest assured, these are not the thoughts of someone who has had no human experiences whatsoever
        — Well i would not judge the men in your life by the voice/tone of your blog and your words coz then you would shout at the top of ur voice n scream around calling for high alert on “personal attack” 🙂 But do just give it a second thought—> This blog is about ur opinions and opinions are based on personal experiences 🙂 so you would now know wat to infer 🙂

        Since you got involved in a conversation with Abhishek. I should tell you that trolls have a common but not permissible presence on the blogosphere.
        — There is a diference between trolls and criticism. Not many bloggers can find out which is what..The numero uno fact of the blogosphere is when you blog you are open to the world of appreciations, criticisms, trolls you dont have a choice to ignore any of them and if you do that only makes you preacher in no way a blogger. I agree Abhishek was abusive in his approach but that would be the expected reaction from any man who just dont belong to the category/traits of men that your blog says

        If someone doesn’t like it, they are welcome to speak up or even leave
        — Oh dear Oh dear its such a cleeshay 🙂 Blogging isnt like its my home and u are not welcome 🙂 Its the door open to all and to leave or not to leave is a personal choice 🙂

        XX Factor has been fun to write and (I’m told) fun for my readers to read for over six years. I don’t intend to let any malicious voices ruin that flavour.
        — Well I guess you are lucky enough to find people like you, who just agree with your opinions watsoever for six years. XX Factor- ignorance Factor. Its definitely fun to read XX Factor in a very sarcastic way to me 😀 Keep them coming 🙂

        Disclaimer: This comment will obviously be considered as Personal attack or troll and will be anyways be barred 🙂

      • @Shradha: Suit yourself. I don’t believe I need to explain myself further. This is a reasonably open blog. You haven’t been abusive so your comment goes through.

      • [This comment has been removed by the moderator, for trolling.]

  16. [This comment has been removed by the moderator, for trolling.]

  17. I thought this post was funny. And as a man who believes in being a decent stand-up guy, I do not feel offended by this post. I don’t want to judge but it seems like this post has sparked some personal insecurities which is understandable. But calling names is not cool. You can always say you disagree and stop at that.

    But some of the respondents have taken this past just being an inteligent debate. And trust me, men say a lot worse things about women than this post says about men. And even in those circumstances, you can either agree or laugh along or you can say you disagree and you can leave. I don’t see why it should be any different here.

    To those who think it’s okay to attack a blogger for thier views, I say this: It’s easy to say bitch and cunt and whore and asshole online and hide behind your computer. But you could be huring someone’s feelings. The person you are talking about could be someone’s son or daughter or husband or wive.I could go on. So don’t get cheap. It’s not classy and it makes you look insecure and pathetic.

  18. its nice that you have known alll about men and stuff….arent women equal to men in all these tings u mentioned… if u r talkin about marriage…
    ten here it comes… do u tink tat yours or my mom and dad didnt have tese issues earlier….

    “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” -Dave Meurer

    the above mentioned tings in ur blog is wot help us men or u women to make life intersting… lets have fights that go till round 15… if u tink its good it is good.. vice versa…

    it is not only men who have issues evn women hav…

    evry one is unique and special… if evryone is the same ten life wil be sooo mechanical…

    your blog may be right for you.. may be you havent met the right one or you are not ready to accept the wrong one… anyways nice blog…

    not all men are fools and not all women are perfect.. ter r sum like me and obviously many like you 🙂

  19. @ ALL

    not all the fingers are the same… i tink a common apology shud do the trick…

    on behalf of ma fellow gender. **SORRY**
    🙂

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