Manguide 6: Alcohol

Alcohol is like a man. In its many variations, delightful or otherwise, it mirrors the vagaries of my favorite vice. Here’s how.

Breezer – This is the boy you grew up with, the one who sat next to you in fourth grade and helped you with your homework. You don’t really stay friends (unless you are a part of Orkutoholics Anonymous) but if you bump into each other at a party and don’t have any other choices, he’ll do to while away the time.

Liquer – Sweet, comforting, ladylike, can this one be anything other than the gay guy? This is the snazzy, sharp-dressing man-loving man who’ll understand you better than any of your boyfriends ever will. He’ll even understand why you just have to rush through a fun lunch with him, when you spot one of his sex (especially a particularly rough one) at the bar.

Beer – This is your buddy. A guy, who even though he’s straight, you can lounge about with minus make-up and in your PJs. He’s comforting (as much as a straight guy can be, anyway), he makes you laugh, he won’t mind if you throw up occasionally. You can fall asleep next to him but you won’t be sleeping with him, if you get my drift. You’ll also never fall in love with him.

Wine – The charmer, the one who woos you with chocolates and poetry. He’s most likely to bring you flowers on a date and also why women love to be spooned. He’ll slip up on you covertly like a sudden waist-hug from the back or a kiss at the nape of your neck. If you’re going weak in the knees already, stay away from this one. What’s the catch? No matter how much time you spend with him, you’ll never be able to tell when the power balance shifts and exactly when you’ll be at his tender (and cruel) mercies. And if you aren’t careful, you’ll be the one waking up alone with a pounding headache.

Vodka – The party guy, the metrosexual man. He’s hip, he’s what you want to be seen with if you want to get with it. He’s dazzling and upbeat and high-voltage. He’ll also be heavy on your wallet and your head, the next day.

Whiskey – The older man, deep, slightly mystifying and occasionally scary. Only if your tastes run to that type.

Tequila – The Bad Boy. The guy every woman must date at least once in her lifetime. He’s rough, he’s bad news right from the start and he’s irresistible! Take a chance and ride with him at least one night of your life. You’ll wake up feeling like your head is split right in half and your insides are screaming to take off to different galaxies. But you’ll never forget the experience and all the other moments of life will seem like background music in comparison.

Rum – The man you’ll finally want to come home to after you’ve gone through the rest. He’s subtle, something you’ll mistake for weakness if you come to him too early. He’s potent, also sometimes misunderstood for roughness. But if you take it slow and easy, you’ll find he’s just as good with fruits and chocolate as he is with coke. And finally, he’s in a class of his own if you’ve gone far enough to get him on his own. Fall in love with him, he’ll be just the right mix of steadiness and adventure that makes a perfect man.

* But remember, metaphors apart, NEVER drink and drive. It’s plain stupid, no matter who you are, no matter who the guy is, no matter what the drink is.

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A version of this appears on Yahoo! Real Beauty.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on May 2, 2009, in Gender Archetype, Laws of Attraction, Men, men, men, On a lighter note.., Survival Guide, The Dating Game, XXFactor series, Yahoo! and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. We have a Rum Lover here don't we??

  2. Gosh, smithy, this is v.e.r.y close to how I'd describe it! Except perhaps the Rum, (personally). Loved it 🙂 Just for that, dding you on twitter 😀 (Alright, not for that; saw your tweets on the side 🙂 ) Nice one!gauri

  3. I would love to be the beer, and somehow I think the last line is true..and does not make me fool good

  4. I tend to lean towards vodka although bacardi white or bacardi limon are also favourites. Oh and Bradtini, the cocktail, tastes fantastic. I happened to make it two days back. 😛

  5. I like it! Although I'd switch rum for vodka.

  6. what about one who enjoys both wine and whisky but hates rum?

  7. Where is Vodka, who’s babies we’d like to have?

    Awesome post!
    .-= Rani´s last blog ..I envy you =-.

  8. U a rum-lover too? 🙂

    Well.. I guess I once went out with a Wine guy, and then met this Tequila guy who eventually grew into my Rum! 🙂
    [I like this sentence as I read it now! :)]
    .-= Ms Taggart´s last blog ..Hong Kong notes =-.

  9. hey ideasmith 🙂
    i’ve silently been pouring over all your many many many articles over the past 2 days, (since i found out about the ideasmithy etc etc)..tooooo many thoughts and comments… aaargh… thus the silence so far… 😉 but i HAD to comment on this! It’s absolutely brilliant!!!
    The weirdest part is, i actually put forth an identical series of thoughts (but out loud, not online!) at a stayover cum girls-night-out recently! Puts my thoughts in a nut shell! maybe im just a sucker for rum too!

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