Relationship Lawlessness & Social Criminals

I recently saw a movie about relationships and love. In one scene, a man and a woman meet in a department store and strike up a conversation over the cash register which continues till they walk out. Standing on the sidewalk, they talk, like any two strangers who’ve just met, of things that interest the other and ooh and aah over what they have in common. Then, just on the verge of that crucial ‘ask for her number’ moment, the guy shrugs and says,

I can’t do this. I’m married.

It struck me right between my eyes just then. They were following a socially accepted ritual. Then they reached a point where an expression of interest had to be made or not. And it could not be made since he was clearly unavailable. The social mores dictated that he not go any furthur unless he was intending to take it forward seriously.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Last year I went to Europe on holiday. After enduring much ribbing about Turkish delights and Greek gods, I returned to report that no man had flirted with me. My mother, on the other hand, told me of one of our co-passangers who had struck up a conversation and told her she was beautiful, adding with a snide look at my dad that he couldn’t say the same about her husband.

She was highly surprised (even though I spend all my time telling her that she looks at least a decade younger than she is – and she does!) till I added that in some western communities, it was considered polite, practically a social requirement to mock-flirt with a lady and compliment her on her fine form. This especially for a married woman, since it was quite clear that it was in light vein and was not intended to be taken seriously. Quite unlike India where it would be considered highly inappropriate to flirt or compliment a married woman.

On the other hand, my father pointed out, that it would be equally inappropriate for the same men to have flirted with me since I was clearly available. Flirting would have been an indication of serious intent, a formal expression of interest.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

We are still in a nascent society as far as dating goes. Our parents generation invented love marriages in this society; we are the generation that brings in friendship between the sexes as well as socially sanctionable romantic/sexual relationships before marriage. We haven’t quite learnt where to draw the line between friendship-comfort and attraction-committment. We are still experimenting with how far we go with being funny/cool/charming and where it trespasses into flirtation.

Think about some of the relationship scenarios that are very real to us today. The ‘best friend’ of the opposite sex that makes the girlfriend/boyfriend so uncomfortable. The good friends (sister-brother…this is really the most convoluted one of all) who vehemently decree that other people have dirty minds. The older colleague/father of a friend/friend of father/husband of a friend who are really friendly, but perhaps a little too much sometimes?

Don’t we all know a guy who promises the moon and earth to every second girl, believing correctly, that she’ll keep it to herself because in the larger sense, it still isn’t done for a girl to admit that she’s been with a guy? There is nothing to check him from repeating the same over and over again, no one to brand him for the cad he is. Even after the crime is complete and guy is far away, possibly chasing a whole new set of girls or actually married, how many of the women he has wronged are actually going to speak up? And if you say you don’t know such a guy, give me a call. I have a private ‘Hall of Shame’ of these social criminals.

How about the committed ones who pass off their behaviour as harmless friendliness? There’s a general ‘kehne mein kya harz hai?’ syndrome working here. The problem is that people do fall in love, hearts get broken, trust is rended and lives are shattered. You can deny those are very real crimes, nasty things that people do to people.

As modern women, we are expected to be ‘okay’ with a certain degree of liberal expression. The question how far does that stretch? It’s okay to know a lot of guys, it’s fine to go out with them, even flirt with them, get into relationships with them. But all of that provided it ends in the institution of marriage or at least a ‘stable, steady relationship’. But from meeting a guy to ending up in that last socially sanctioned comfortable relationship, it’s a long way. Most men fall short far before that. Or I suspect a lot of them aren’t even intending to go that far but try and drag out as much as they can get before they need to rat-tail it ‘before it gets too serious’.

We stuff our best-looking side into our public persona and bury our insecurities. We put up with a guy who is ‘comittment-phobic’ for months and months because we don’t want to be nags. We’re okay with the ‘just good friends’ tag. We even tolerate cheating and tell ourselves patience is a virtue. What happens when he dumps you to go chase another girl and propose marriage to her in a week? You can be sure a crime of sorts has been committed but who’s going to haul in the offender?

And if you’re thinking this is equally true of women as well, I agree. With one small exception. Men who have been wronged in this manner can speak up about it and they do. Where else do we get such nasty phrases like slag and tease from? On the other hand, a woman who has been wronged cannot speak up. Liberatedness be damned, one of those aforementioned crimes was perperated on me. I didn’t dare speak up since I knew even our common friends would just think I was stupid for having believed such a guy in the first place. Well, you live, you learn.

Last month, I was flirted with by a committed man. I was unsure on when exactly I could draw the line and just relieved to get away without too much embarassment. As I’m writing this post, I’m being propositioned by a married friend. This relationship is sometimes questioned by my friends who believe (quite correctly) that he is a social criminal. I agree and yet I continue to be friends (only in every sense of the word) with him. But few relationships are this manageable and heavenaloneknows that this one wasn’t easy either.

Let me end this by just saying that delightful as this state may be with its glorious rule-lessness, the very lawlessness of it leaves each of us vulnerable to social crimes.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on March 6, 2009, in Battle of the sexes, I'm An Indian Woman, Laws of Attraction, Relationships, Survival Guide, The Dating Game, Times, they are a-changing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. so for the first bit, what would you want him to do?

    Ramblers last idea: Time to add on

  2. Worst is when these social criminals come back to see you years later and say ‘can we let bygones be bygones?’ Now I’m somebody who doesn’t want to let her past dictate her present or her future. But some lessons are hard learnt; you never forget the way innocence was lost, bit by little bit, by the first, then the second, then the third, ad infinitum, such social criminals.
    And yes, I know the situation of a committed friend flirting with you for a period of two years, till finally, the time came for his marriage. (of course to his established girl-friend of 7 years) But as you rightly mentioned it’s always up to the woman to shield herself. But we are not Superwomen…at least not always. Why is it that the ‘friend’s are so sure that we won’t speak up and ruin their marriages? I dunno… I just dunno…

  3. @ Rambler: Are you referring to the situation in the movie? I think what he did was right. He didn’t take it further and made it clear that there was no way it could be rightly taken further.

    @ Rakhi: Are we referring to the same person? 🙂 I guess there are enough of them around. As for your last question, I don’t know either. Why don’t we? Or alternately – how do we treat women who speak up?

  4. no i don’t think we are. 🙂 but yes, there are so many of them around…
    and the minute these criminals see that here’s a woman who isn’t afraid to be herself, purely herself, they’ll flock to you as if you’re a magnet. whether they’re single or not, won’t matter because they know that they love your mind. if not the rest of the package.
    but that brings me to a question i’ve been asking myself of late – is it that i’m dysfunctional in a relationship or is it that i attract the wrong kind of attention by being brash enough to know and let it be known that this is ME…

    And yes, I don’t care two hoots about what others will say if I speak up but I’ve been deterred only by the significant other half, who has nary a worry in the world. if anyone is to burst her bubble let it be someone else. not me. besides, i also think that i’m not a vengeful person…

    ah, your posts strike such a chord with me at times. 🙂 thank you for writing this way and making me feel that there are others like me.

  5. Last line= thumbs up.

    La Vida Locas last idea: Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!

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