Mother Goose

I saw this ‘Make your own teddy bear workshop’ and my first thought was “I wish I had someone to bring here…a little someone” and not “I wish they had those when I was a kid”.

See here’s where you go in (irresistible kid-magnet, isn’t it?).

1the-workshop.jpg

Then you get to pick the skin of the toy you’ll create.

2pick-a-skin.jpg

You can record your own voice or your favorite song and insert it into your toy.

3record-your-voice.jpg

Walk on to the stuffing machine. I don’t think this is really necessary from what I remember of my toy-making lessons but it makes for some damn fun watching…ask me, I walked into the workshop when I spotted this thing!

4stuffing-machine.jpg

Oh and you can also give your freshly born toy a bath and get a birth certificate issued!

For a change, I looked and listened without my cynical marketer’s thinking cap. And I imagined a toothless grin somewhere.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I don’t audition for potential husbands anymore the way I used to long, long ago. Actually I don’t even audition prospective fathers because in my mind, no man is ever going to be a good enough parent for my little one.

The only people who can make me smile instantly, unthinkingly are under the age of 8.

And yet, when I was 21, fresh from the madness of adolescence and full of determination, I decided that I would never have a child. Because I didn’t want to an over-crowded planet full of unhappy people. Because I didn’t want to be made responsible for yet another human being’s emotions. And most of all, because I was scared. Of labour, of someone else’s adolescence. Of being torn physically and emotionally.

Then one night I had a dream and this really did happen. I was pregnant, bloated tummy almost full term. I remember my mother and grandmother’s faces around me (isn’t that odd, way back then, several other family members were part of my circle but I didn’t see the grandfather and uncle who died, the aunt who left, the cousins who parted after a rift..I saw the two people who are here). There was a husband somewhere but I couldn’t see his face even then.

Then I went into labour right at a staircase landing and passed out. And when I woke up, they were all standing around me. Then someone laid a baby in my lap. That’s when I woke up. My life changed forever by that nocturnal flight of imagination.

I’ve never been able to pass a child since then without turning back and smiling or just looking, looking, looking.

Does that make sense? No, biology never did, even in school.

If it is about biological urges, the compulsion to bind with and settle down seems to have passed me by. Even if I display classic mating behavior with my many boyfriends, I suspect those are more the following of patterns I’ve learnt and see around me. I’ve never met anyone with whom I felt that deep soul connection that they talk about. Absolutely no one I can even imagine as being important enough to call a soul mate. My life, the world and the universe is seen alone through my eyes, explored and experiences solo.

But when I see a child, something else, alien and yet unfamiliar rears its head inside me. And I want, want, want. Of all the things that life throws at you….I never thought I’d care about being a mother more than I could care about being a wife. But perhaps this too shall pass.

I finally define myself independent of what any man wants me to be, when I can see myself as much more than a daughter, sister or girlfriend and men have become accessorial rather than vital to my happiness. I have the life I wanted ten years back. And when I look further….what next? Something that will give it meaning, something more, something beyond.

A child shall lead the way….

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on May 31, 2007, in Flying solo, Parenthood, Relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. It happens to guys too – at least it did to me.

    I hated the attachment and the dedication needed for such a relationship, until a 4 month old baby slept in my arms as I rocked him in my arms and sang a lullaby. He searched for my paunch to hold it (thinking I was the mom) as he went to sleep.

    Who ever said guys don’t have emotions – I was too overwhelmed to even think of sex!

    Time to be a parent I guess. Efects of graying hair.

  2. @ Alazyguy: Time to pat yourself on the back actually…for being one of the few responsible for making me re-think my attitude towards men. Will call you tomorrow for that long-promised ‘add you-chat’ call.

  3. nice post 🙂

    But from inside information, she’s more of a bully boss than most men. You’ll rarely see a man boss physically throw people out of office on a regular basis, or stop 2am meeting for half hours for a “jogger break” 🙂

    Personally, i’m very against her style of programming, and you should be too. Not because its trash, but because it makes people believe, and maybe subconciously internalise and accept as right, many of the ideas and morals that she presents, some of which are dead against what you preach.

    oh yea, and we’ve met 🙂

  4. Since then this workshop has been my favourite haunt and also a plce I take others too…Two great women friends have already been subjected to it…
    And I rem the conversation over cremosas that evening I caught you catching this 🙂

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