A serious look at things

I set up this blog with posts that were supposed to be serious observations on gender equations and stereotypes. I seem to have gotten side-tracked into frivolous male-bashing and women’s magazine-style posts. I’m glad these have been entertaining to those of you who’ve read so far, but I’m afraid I’m digressing. I’m not a performing monkey and my thoughts are not meant to provoke party discussions.

Yesterday I watched ‘Namaste London’. There’s a scene in the movie where the heroine, bulldozed into an arranged marriage ritual, deliberately dresses and behaves ‘down’ so that the guy rejects her. I couldn’t only identify with that, I actually remembered that, having done something not so different myself once. The same girl, a little later, meets a guy who tries to analyse the sugar consumption of the family to determine their compatibility. Did that scene seem completely OTT trying to be funny to anyone? Not to me, I’ve lived through that experience as well. The guy in question, on our first (and only!) meeting wanted to know what my “agenda for this discussion” was. He was mortally offended when informed that I didn’t have one and took great effort to remind me that I was an MBA and hence should have learnt to put my education to use in my life.

It just isn’t funny anymore. So much so-called liberation later, a woman in 2007 still has to manipulate the situation so that the rejection happens from the guy’s side. The mouthpiece still lies very much at the man’s end even if the reins of power (from behind the scenes) can lie with a woman.

How many of you women have asked a man out? And men, how many of you have been asked out by a woman…and actually accepted…and gone on to have something concrete with her? I asked a guy out many years back. We had common friends, kept meeting at parties and it was obvious he was interested. So I suggested a time and place. We did go out, though he seemed rather quiet (and not at all like his erstwhile loquacious self). He didn’t ask me out again and a common friend later told me that I had ‘scared him off’. I’ve never asked a man out after that. When I spot a guy who interests me, I make him ask me out. It isn’t all that difficult, in fact its often so easy its boring even. But what irritates me is that the archaic ritual of a man making the first move still holds true.

Do I come across as a man-hater still? I can’t hate an entire section of the population. What I do hate is being chained down. It would seem like all my education and effort…they’ve all been attempts to groom me to be a ‘good catch’ in the marriage market. So instead of pursuing my longtime dream of studying art, I ended up with a very respectable MBA degree and a job that sounds good enough. But hasn’t anyone realised….you give a human being opportunity, then you’re giving them the desire to take it as well. Give a person a voice and you’ve given him (or her) the need to speak too. Its possible that I may have been willing to set aside whatever I was doing to build my life around a man, had I just continued along in my natural path. But now, having been forcibly pulled into doing something I didn’t even want, realising that I could do pretty well at it and having tasted the heady lure of economic independence and freedom, is it fair to expect me to be able to give it up?

My family and friends tell me that my expectations are too high and that’s the reason I’m not married as yet. Maybe so. But really, can a marriage survive for long without respect? And how am I supposed to respect a person who can only be happy as long as I make him the center of my universe and bury my ambitions, my dreams and my individuality? Can such a person be expected to be strong enough to carry the burden of my happiness? I think not. A person who is weak enough to feel threatened by my successes will never be able to be happy in my company, let alone make me happy. That’s not man-hating, it is simply an objective, if not weary, observation of men and women today.

In defence of my objectivity, I must say that I also have some sharp, if not unpleasant observations to make about women today. Women are dangerous to say the very least. Most of us may still be bound by social restrictions but none of us carry the chains of emotional bondage anymore. A few women like me might be impatient enough, wanting total equality now and here but most women are wise enough to see the situation for what it is and manipulate it accordingly to their advantage. You can call me a cynic but I’m not the one spewing venom about gold-diggers, bitchy bosses and the loss of respect for the marriage instution. The definition of a successful woman today continues to be the same as it has been for generations. She isn’t the richest or the one with the most impressive job. She is the one who keeps her world together. Boyfriend, husband, parents, in-laws, friends, colleagues (junior, peer and superior)….she seems to be adapting to everyone and yet, they’re all twisted about her little finger. This is the power of womenhood unleashed in its most potent form, not tempered with the sweetness of love, not restrained by the holds of values, not bounded by the committments of emotional attachment. Every single ‘successful woman’ I’ve known is inherently cold-blooded and power-hungry. The ones who have held onto even a shrapnel of emotion, bear it as a weakness. After all, the world still calls a woman with a personality of her own…some very unsavoury names.

Still, I want to believe that the world is changing (albeit too slowly for my impatient self!). This post was reassuring. Maybe men and women will respect each other enough some day not to play games with each other. I only hope I’m around to see it.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on April 1, 2007, in Flying solo, Media Messages, Relationships, Times, they are a-changing, Unholy Matrimony and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. I’ve linked this post on to my blog. Please let me know if you want me to take it off and I shall.

  2. Its a pity our paths never X, but dont expect me to make an effort 😉

    Have never read one, but am tempted to belive this sounds like something one would read in a womans mag.

    Cheers!

  3. @ FullMoonOnEarth: Thank you for the compliment of the link!

    @ Sanjay: The typical woman’s mag usually has loads of perfume and cosmetics ads, stuff on fashions, sex and love advice, horoscopes and maybe one really serious article on an issue. While they’re fun reading, hardly anyone would take them seriously. Am sorry to put you off but well, I voice the truth as I see it.

  4. Ouch… total KO punch… I stand corrected and bow down to your superior knowledge on womens mags

  5. Idea,
    we walk similar paths, ask a lot of those questions (which might not have the answers that we are looking for) and make a choice to continue to live here, maybe our own way. I have gone through those and still am walking, just wanted to tell you that you are not the only one and you will find me around!

  6. I m too naive to give any serious comment on this. But u know what nearly everyone is chained down.

    Why do parents always decide to stay with their SONS ?
    Why do for so called courtesy(superficial) and not equality i have to offer my seat to any lady, else find all the plp staring at a sleeping,tired me?

    Why do guys need to go onsite to save enough for a marriage?(many do…believe me)

    soo many questions……….ha ha ha…
    Nice possssssssssssst !!! 🙂

  7. Hi…
    have never voiced a comment on this blog ever…although follow it religiously..loved ur post and am in sync with it..its so very apt!!!!am in the same boat as you,so probabaly understand better!..And am sorry to hear u wont be writing here…though dont be bogged down by negative comment ..keep ur head high and face the world…hope u and i both find ur loves in life and hope its worth it..!!coz high or no expectation ought to be there..one cant go for anything and everything!

  8. Hey I know this is an old post- I read this and was so tempted to share my experience- it was some 3-4 years back -on my summer project- I had asked a man out for dinner- and the next thing I know is I got a reputation of a female version of a pied piper- the children in this case being men……

  9. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce

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