What would your ex- say about you?

Maybe I’ve just been watching too many episodes of Sex and the City but then, I’ve also been pondering on committment-phobias a lot recently.

The last episode I watched ended with Mr.Big (Carrie Bradshaw’s grand love) getting engaged to someone else and Carrie musing:

Maybe I hadn’t broken him in at all. Maybe he hadn’t broken me in.

Maybe some women are meant to run wild until they meet someone equally wild to run with them.

Could that be true I wondered? Also Mishi‘s comment on my last post makes me think,

What would the people we’ve dated say about us?

I’ve asked myself this a hundred times over. Of course. We bother about the opinions of practically EVERYONE on the planet. How about the opinions of those we’ve loved (or thought we did), those we’ve leaned on and held, those who have lived through moments of love and hatred and deep emotion and passion with us?

I really wish I knew the answer to that. I know this is probably a trick question so it is highly doubtful that one would get the ‘right answer’ from an ex- but it bears thinking about anyway. I always thought the men I’ve dated would say that I was funny, intelligent, hyperactive and overemotional.

But what if they feared losing me just as I’ve feared losing them? What if my individuality, my stubborness and temper threatened them as their flightiness and flirtatiousness has threatened me? What if, when we broke up and I thought I was letting them go, in essence, they were the ones letting me go off flying since they sensed I couldn’t be tied down?

The big love of my life (also best friend and longest running relationship ever) once said that he knew I loved him but also that he could never tell, when I woke up in the morning, what mood I’d be in and what I’d decide to do. I always thought of myself as stable and loyal. Was I, really? Or perhaps….just maybe….did the men I’ve loved know me better than I knew myself?

And if that be the case, what happens next? I never knew I was meant to be an ‘independant flier’ but when I think about it, everyone I’ve ever been close to has settled down, in relationships, marriage and jobs. While my life remains even more of a nomadic hippy journey than ever.

When you realise the road isn’t moving but you are, where do you go?

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on March 15, 2007, in Battle of the sexes, Hormone hangover, Relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I’m hooked on to “When you realise the road isn’t moving but you are, where do you go?”
    Don’t have words enough…

  2. Well Roads dont move bcos they arent meant to…. We move bcos we r meant to-

    think abt it- We really dont have any control abt all the imp things in life including relationships…..

  3. @ Shreyasi: And I have no clue where to go next.

    @ Mishi: Don’t we? Maybe some of us only choose situations that make us feel helpless.

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