The Bad Boy

Now for a post on something I’ve been meaning to write on for a long, long while. It should have come earlier, I know so much about the subject after all.

Why do women love bad boys?

As a confirmed bad boy-o-holic myself, I wonder why I’m continuing to make the same mistakes I did when I was sixteen. First I think we need to define what we mean by ‘Bad Boy’. The Bad Boy isn’t necessarily a tattooed, leather jacket-clad, guitar-toting, beer-guzzling rogue….he’s a concept. A Bad Boy is just someone who isn’t a Good Boy.

Okay, let’s start over again. I’d have said Good Boys don’t really exist but well, perhaps they do. There are enough of men around that I’m not attracted to and I’ve come to categorise them as Good Boys. Or well, to assuage their ego (oh gawd, even Good Boys have them!), they’re the Nice guys. Good Boys are the straightforward, predictable ones who treat women well and don’t play games. I don’t think they’re necessarily the ones with a value system strong enough to respect women, I think they’ve just been slow on the uptake, on how to make themselves more interesting.

Let’s forget about the Good Boy for the moment. I haven’t dated any of them, I’m enthralled by the man I can’t figure out…just yet. He’s confident, a smooth-talker…oh so smooth, he can sass you right back, even call you a bitch to your face, except he’ll make it sound like a compliment. And we fall, fall, fall. Who needs a motorcycle and dreadlocks? All you need is the guts to be a complete bastard with women. This by the way aren’t my words of cynical male-hating wisdom, they’re quote-unquote an ex-boyfriend’s advice to his Nice Guy friend. Oh, and my ex- was clean-shaven and well-dressed but he had no qualms saying such things to his friend in front of me. See, that’s what makes him a Bad Boy.

Characteristic traits of the Bad Boy – Is:

  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Insecure (mostly about appearance but that could be because I only date guys who’re too successful to be insecure about their intelligence)
  • Ambitious (Faster! Bigger! Better! Prettier! Thinner! Richer!)
  • Generally discontent with the state of things, their job, car, house, mobile phone, clothes and YOU. Stay around one long enough and you’ll also get to be THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MESS
  • Control freaks or at least male chauvinists

Okay, now that we have them defined, let’s understand why women like them so much? I can only theorize, being too close to the subject myself. I think…women enjoy a challenge just as much men do. We don’t exactly have the same ‘hunter’ instincts (though some of us in recent times, do that too). There is a strong nurturing instinct even in the MW. Bad boys are essentially little boys at heart. Very badly behaved little boys. So, we reason, as with all badly behaved little boys, we discipline them, love them a lot and turn them into civilized human beings. After all, what woman can resist a ‘betterment/improvement’ project? We all like to play Florence Nightingale/Guardian Angel. What better to salvage than a fallen angel?

The trouble is that Bad Boys are not just badly behaved little boys, they’re the ones who never grew up because they couldn’t. For whatever reason, I won’t go into those at the moment. Why are we assuming that we can make them grow up when their mums didn’t? Or after trying so hard, why are we resentful when then turn around and bolt, treating us then, like the strict mother figure?

I know it is slightly sick to be drawn to someone who eventually treats you badly. But that’s what most of us do. There’s an element of danger that makes it exciting. And oh, I suppose there’s the failsafe option of being able to blame the break-up on what a jerk your ex- was. An unusually wise male friend described it as the peculiar ‘long-suffering Sati Savitri condition’.

No one breaks up with a Nice Guy once they’re dating him. I suppose some women cheat out of sheer boredom and frustration. But the guilt of dumping a Nice Guy is just way too much to handle. Most of us prefer not to even go there. In fact I’m a little leery of Nice Guys since they make me feel like a grimy, homework-not-done bad little child. At least with the Bad Boys I get the feeling I’m the more mature, ‘clean-and-correct’ one. All I know is that Bad Boys hold their appeal and continue to be hazardous to my romantic health.

There is of course the other theory that a lot of women have been used and abused by men who don’t respect them, early on. Hence we continue to gravitate to such men, out of sheer habit (that’s what the psychologists say!) and also out of some resentment. A kind of I’ll-despise-you-since-you-don’t-respect-me-but-let’s-both-be-miserable thing. Well, who says we are smart? We suffer from substance abuse the same way that cokeheads and alcoholics do….we call it Bad Boy-o-holism.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +Gโ€™s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on March 13, 2007, in Battle of the sexes, Gender Archetype, Seriously speaking, Survival Guide, The Dating Game. Bookmark the permalink. 65 Comments.

  1. Woman, thou art on a roll.
    You forgot the sarcasm, the can go to hell attitude, the i don’t give a damn…
    I think women love them because we think we can change them and make them nice….or nice-r while they still retain vestiges of their sarcasm/thrills…..
    Who knows. We all fall for the unattainable and treasure the ones that take hard work to come to us. The thrill of a chase…

  2. Ha! I would say that the theorizing is little too *surprise surprise* theoretical but good fun to read!

  3. @ DC: ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess. But I think I’ve hit the end of the roll so will let these posts stay for awhile. Ditto you on all the Bad Boy observations!

    @ Artful Badger: LOL…is it? Do you have another theory?

  4. I used to be bad, Now I am worse.

    ๐Ÿ™‚ Just couldnt help that (isnt that a characteristic?).. coming here after ages… most of it was getting kind of monotonous.. but you can surprise.

    Cheers

  5. @ Sanjay: Heehee…yeah I know I was getting that way, wasn’t I? Not to worry..am back with new man stories and a fresh can of venom.

  6. Like my friend says…Bad Boys are just “kids crying out for love”!!

  7. @ induscreep: That’s a worthy definition. Trouble is that bad boys also run away from their mommies way too often.

  8. @idea:

    Obviously. They cannot afford to be momma’s boys.

  9. @ induscreep: In my unworthy opinion, they all are.

  10. Came here via DP. Good post.

  11. So true. Reminds me of something similar a friend (a nice guy) said. Something about women falling for assholes. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Gosh this is so weird! I wrote something absolutely similiar a week ago! After reading that, a friend of mine sent me your blog post link and this is so uncanny :). Check out.

    http://mabui.blogspot.com/2007/03/wicked-pleasure-for-day.html

    And after readin a whole bunch of your posts now, I can say for sure we think alike gal! Keep up the good work..

  13. @ Diviya: We’re all masochists, aren’t we?

    @ Rads: LOL….looks like we’re all facing the same crises! Welcome to XXFactor and I hope I see you around again!

  14. hmmmmmm, cool. I used to be bothered by stuff like this, then i learned how to act like a bad boy. I found out that women who liked bad boys were not my type. Back to being mister nice guy! ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. @ chit: Do you know how much my respect for you shoots up, with that statement?

  16. But Bad boys sure rock…..;)

  17. Clever analysis, however the causation most likely ties to the fact that female “chemistry’ (the kind they crave) Alpha/cheating/controlling males for the first 3 to 5 million years of human existence – were much better at getting a female’s genes moved forward

    Point is: male seed spreaders in evolution won the survival game and women’s genes know it, and famale evolutionary baggage via their DNA is still making decisions -as if it were millions of years ago, as genes barely recognize such modern constructs as marriage and committment

    Noncontrolling, honest, sincere, monogamous “nice guys” are subconsciously deemed as evolutionary dead-ends and thus are deemed boring, and in effect offer females poor genetic survival prospects going forward

    Whereas the “bad boy/jerks” can offer the illusive and exciting (and ultimately irrelevant of course) promise of genetic immortality something genes, being selfish in nature, prefer

    Think of this example: consider that many females could meet some guy that acts and looks like Sean Connery (minus the Bond image) in his prime – and if he also happened to act respectful, faithful, and acted like a general “nice guy” with some of these women – it would be a big turnoff for many

    To get the big chemistry – they need males more closely fitting the evolutionary norm – males that just want and need to cheat all the time.

  18. After reading an article like the one above, men should take women seriously, why??? It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.

  19. @ JET99: That’s an impressive write-up. I agree, of course, albeit with some embarassment.

    @ Mark: Thanks for dropping by, nevertheless. My writing and I are not always intelligent.

  20. nice commentsabout badboys
    bad commentens for good guys
    writer means bad boys means actually bad behaivior boys going with bad girls /prositutes
    nice girls can not effort them even one second
    and its TRUE.
    bad boys always goes with bad girls

  21. You are corrupt at heart. Not a nice person. You are addicted to contempt, so “bad boys” or weak wimps give you a feeling of contempt (hate) to which you are addicted (although you don’t see your addiction). You have inherited the hate/contempt that all women have for all men, either secretly or overtly, and so have to keep going back to the scene of the crime to reinforce the wrong nature that has become you (not the real you that you might have been). A truly good man, should you meet one, does not reinforce the corrupt nature in you, the one that feeds on hate/contempt, so you are not attracted to this type of man. If there is any “real” you left inside, then you might recognize what I say by this, that you need to continue to have contempt for all men, which is the judgement/hate to which you are addicted.

  22. only resean which i understand that number of women in USA are more than bays so they accept bad boys and keep in mind she will turn him as a good boy or her mood.

  23. i love bad girls….lol

  24. @ schahid: By bad boys I do mean those who exhibit bad behaviour.

    @ Joe: Thanks, I agree. But we could make this conversation a little less offensive, couldn’t we?

    @ KAR: That’s an interesting thought. I don’t know if it is true in India though since there seem to be an equal number of ‘non-bad boys’ as well.

    @ wesr: Hmm, I’m not surprised.

  25. All I know is losers dont get laid. I am a 26 year old virgin. Enough said.

  26. Ok, I guess a need a spank ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. Really and truly, every guy has a “bad boy” in them. Some are just scary and many are impotent in mind and in aggression. Women like men who take charge. It’s the women who can’t get over being with a bad boy who, when they can’t take it any more, become a feminist and start agreeing with Rosie and Ellen bashing men, hating men instead of facing their pitiful reality, that they fell for a bad boy. He rocked their world. They built up this image in their mind that they could change him. He didn’t change and NOW they resent the fact that they allowed all that mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse to go on for so long. So they LASH out crying male abuse. A bad boy…c’mon…you guys termed the behavior yourself….so who’s really the victim and who’s really the suspect. Many women, go for what they like. Don’t cry wolf when a man starts howling as you see how many lingerie commercials the media endorses and how short you can get your dress before another BAD BOY in sheeps clothing snatches you into his cave of no escape! JK

  28. You ladies want a challenge. Bad boys are the wrong challenge.

    Here’s the right challenge. Make yourself a woman with growth potential and a future. Find a similar gentleman who needs no “fixing”. Then build a satisfying & fulfilling life with each other avoiding life’s pitfalls and humanity’s frailities. And while you’re at it, raise a child that requires no fixing. Now that’s a challenge.

    Onegr8guy ๐Ÿ™‚

  29. I think you have it all wrong. Women don’t want a bad boy, who would want to date a bad person? Women are looking for the Lone Ranger, The Fonze, Batman…you get the idea. Women want strength, excitement, and independence, and who wouldn’t, but what they get are bad boys.

    Bad boys contain many of these ideal traits, but they also contain some bad ones. Women are attracted to the good, and bad boys cover up the bad, at least until they have sex, and then it all comes out. Women who wake up with a bad boy then engage in a campaign to reform him, because they think there is some good to reform, after all they have seen the good, or at least the good act.

    Women might do better to start with a nice guy and cultivate the traits they like. I imagine it would be easier, since deep down all guys want to be the Lone Ranger, and even if you fail you’ve still got a nice guy, while a failed reformation of a bad boy leaves you with a bad person.

  30. Glad you agree. Although what I said sounds offensive … it is …. but I hold no judgement, as I am not God/judge/jury. I have learned to see things and withold judgement, just observe and not let what I see bother me inside, so that what I see is wrong does not get in me and make me wrong. If you would like to understand this more, go to http://www.fhu.com and get the free material and find your true identity. Best wishes.

  31. Robert Alaniz

    This is very entertaining………and you say men are clueless?

  32. So all kinds of nice looking women seek bad boys for their mate? What a pity. To enjoy being hurt and ignored. Yes, so hot!

    Maybe if a woman understood God a little better they might find joy and purpose in someone who has more to offer than an ego. Women like you complete the puzzle. Guys are jerks and women are naive and they go together so nicely to make life miserable for themselves and everyone around them.

  33. chattel, simply chattel

  34. i agree with jet99, except for the “cheating” aspect. That’s the wrong word. The “evolutionary imperative” for the female is to mate with the Alpha Male – hence the fascination with the “bad boy” – self-confident, brash, competent, cool. Hence also the recently studied phenom of women’s sex dreams usually featuring rock stars, politicians, and other public figures. The “evolutionary imperative” for the male is to scatter his genes as widely as possible in the gene pool – hence the propensity to (what jet99 called) “cheat”. Men’s sex dreams feature sex with a succession of different partners.
    I have a woman friend who was burned by her last “bad boy”, and afterwards picked a good boy by using her brain to select the traits the bad boy didn’t have. Now she struggles every day to maintain her new relationship in the face of crushing boredom – and to suppress the flip-flop her heart gives when she sees her old flame on the street.

  35. This question has been around for many years,if women would
    stop and observe and decide if
    the man needs a mommi or a
    wife you would`nt have so many
    promblems.(I`m sorry to say.)
    IMDBHOLDER

  36. Dirk Nowitzki

    so, does the bad boy concept apply to midgets as well? I mean, you don’t see nice girls falling for “bad boy” midgets.

  37. I love badboys….always have, always will. It’s the whole idea that they are cocky, usually rude, have their own rules of RESPECT, they LOVE in their own warped senses, and basically do whatever they want to. Deep down inside of us all is the desire to do whatever we want, without consequences….badboys don’t fear the consequences. Not all badboys HIT. I like the challenge of seeing who can be the one in control; the badboys think they are, we badgirls KNOW we are…we just let our badboys act like they are.

  38. A bad boy is the kind of man who doesn’t need women. He likes women, sex with them and such, but does not need them. He never needs to say he doesn’t need her, but the woman knows deep down that he can discard her tomorrow and she will be replaced with a younger hotter girl. In the end, that is exactly what happens too.

    Why does he do this? Because he can. Because women are dumb enough to let it happen. This is also why we bad boys have no respect for females, how can a man respect and trust a woman who actively works against her best .interest?

  39. I’m a jerk and i do not see any women lusting for me at the moment. This must be an error filled idea otherwise the eve story is more based on something than i thought it was.

  40. Scorp Kitten

    A lot of “bad boys” show up as “good guys” first, let’s not forget that point. Also, yes, women can be condescending, mean, hateful, spiteful, etc.. but who can’t (for all you women bashers)! I think that most women who get involved with “bad boys” TRY to see the good in them, and that’s where the whole stick and stay attitude comes from. We’re nurturers by nature! I think for every woman out there who’s dated a “bad boy”, there comes a point where you have to decide if this is “REALLY” what you want. Sometimes we just want good secks :). If not, you just have to let his azz go. When you stay, and he treats you even worst, that’s where all the negative attitude comes from, that’s when it becomes your issue.

    And by the way, good guys have GREAT secks too, but the styles are different….

    It all depends on what the woman wants at the time.

  41. It isnt that a bad boy gets the women because he’s “bad”, its because he looks good. A bad boy is bad because he can be. There’s always another women waiting. Come on! Would you women f*** or date a guy who was ugly, bad teeth, short, whatever ………even tho he has an attitude? No……………! That what women call a “creep”. Women go for looks. Guys with looks got attitude because they can get away with it. You don;t like it? NEXT!!

    It’s looks stupid.

  42. Sometimes a fantasy is waay better than the reality

  43. i liked ur post…myself used to get kicks from playing a bad boy..till i began to realise it s just me playing the fool…deliberately..funnily..when in love i began to act up like a really nice guy…almost a hubby type…was shcoked by the transition..and went back to who i was…after the break up..now just a happy man with busy dates..thank you..!!!

  44. Women in general are insecure and most of them suffer from self-pity subconsciously. Bad boys offer them a reason to feel bad about themselves. We dont complain, nail her and never call her again

  45. Idea, you have NO clue what you’ve written woman!!! Hats off to your insight Madame. ๐Ÿ™‚ Bravo!

  46. I don’t think it’s really a bad boy in absolute terms that a woman is attracted to. It’s just that if a woman is not good enough for a certain guy, he would not care about her and, in her eyes, would become a bad boy.

    I see this is in my own behaviour. I mean I end up treating different girls differently and the girls I don’t care about keep coming back to me.

  47. this is an honest description — rare indeed.

    it’s really amazing how bad-boy game changes your life as a guy: suddenly you live in sexual abundance. it’s great. i love this.

    the key is: never take anything she says seriously and always keep her somewhat deprived of validation. you need to learn to push her away at just the right moment, and then to catch her again, gently and lovingly.

    as a naturally loving guy, i find that having multiple girlfriends helps avoid overdosing any of your relationships on the sweetness — sweetness is the antidote to sex.

    if a woman is too sexually aggressive, i put my arm around her and kiss her on the head very sweetly. this cools her instantly. (plus now she likes me — perhaps she has a hotter friend.)

    having multiple girls has additional advantages: they tend to reassure each other of how hot you are. as a result, two girlfriends do not mean twice the love, but four times the love for you: each of them loves you more.

    if being respected as equals is just unsexy to women — what can we do but oblige.

    it took me some time to accept the superior role. but when a girl drops to her knees, you can do nothing less sexy than dropping to yours or asking her to get back up.

    while male sexuality is all about female beauty and does not require domination or power play. females have a deep need to be dominated.

    as soon as your behavior starts hinting that domination – even degradation – may be in your sexual repertoire, girls go wild with desire.

    i think we can all agree that these facts are crucial to male and female happiness. they need to be taught to kids in high school. everybody good with that?

  48. @ All: I never expected this post to get such an overwhelming response! I’m not going to comment anymore – I think I’ve had my say on this topic. Though, if you’re a visitor who hasn’t commented as yet, please feel free to jump in!!

  49. im almost’a year late in coming up with a omment but i guess it s due…
    ytf shud a bad boy be a villain
    i don see t..
    y cud nt he be somebody who wants to do as he wants, and whne he wants, and LIVE
    plus that’s what gets them women on to them bad boys, bad boys want to live before they die, good guys want to plan before they live, and bad boys fuck their good women when the good boys plan…

  50. Oh yes. The man I always fall for. Intelligent, funny, and an absolute bastard. Sigh. So right, this post.

  51. Mayuresh Gaikwad

    MFSOG!

    Why was I never a bad boy? I think that is the reason none of the girls even dreamt of being associated with my nerdy personality. I should have abused some on their face and then be liked for it ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    Oh and BTW, what’s the deal with all nice guys being “good friends” whom the ladies call to complain about their b/fs, but never even allow the nice guy a snuggle

  52. The bad boy is all good in theory…

  53. Oh, let’s just be honest with ourselves, and no, I did not make this up. I am only speaking from what I have seen with my own eyes.

    Women like bad boys because women are bad. Women hate nice men because women are not nice.

    It’s really not much more complicated than that. I was the nice guy, except I wasn’t faking. I was a genuinely nice person. But that inevtiably led me to the category of guys who are always there for a female friend when her bad boys walk all over her, but they turn around and do it again and again, never really noticing the one who truly cares about them. Okay, maybe that somewhat rolls into what has already been said. Dating a bad boy allows the woman to be the better one in the relationship, and when it all goes south (and it will), she can simply blame him. After all, he’s the bad one, right?

    You think I made this up? Being nice never got me anywhere but used and abused, and I was quick to realize that sitting around feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t accomplish a thing, which is more than most nice guys ever realize. So, I started turning darker. I starting ignoring women, treating them like they weren’t there. I didn’t even pretend to care about their jobs, their mothers, their cats, or any of that. Of course, and I’m certainly not unique in this, women found that intriguing.

    I mean, I am not nice anymore. I am now a full-blown jerk to women, and it works. I have more women talking to me than I ever dreamed of. What’s the point of being nice? Women are not nice, don’t want nice, and wouldn’t know what to do with it. I feel no guilt. Should I? The women who walked all over me never felt any. I am not going to relegate myself to being lonely forever just because of some outdated ethics. If women out there think this is chauvanisitc or something like that, then the should blame themselves. If all they want is someone who doesn’t care about them, they shouldn’t blame me for acting like that.

    After all, we both get what we want.

  54. Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about!

    Are you interested in me now? ๐Ÿ˜›

    Sorry, just doing a little test. :mrgreen:
    .-= Custom Motorcycle´s last blog ..2008/2009 Winter Streetfighter Motorcycle Buildoff part 1 =-.

  55. nice & very true ๐Ÿ™‚

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