Gay best friend needed

Wanted: One gay man
For: Being best friend to typical modern woman (details given here)

Now this is not a joke. This is not a lonely hearts ad and neither is we using our blog to get more male attention than we already has. This is an invitation to be good friend to us. Only gay men need apply.

Now allow us to detail exactly why we finds we have this requirement. We have just realized that we does need a man after all. A man is good to go to restaurants (and pubs and other social places) with. We does not mean just for the oh-so-shallow desire to look cool with date on arm (though there is that as well…we does get tired sometimes of being the ravishing singleton). For our selfish convenience there are loads of places that seem to open up to us provided we is with male company. Lets change that to….loads of places and timezones. This being a safe city and all that blah-blah, having a male escort still does ensure a certain heightened degree of security (in our mind and our family’s if nothing else).

We also realizes that we generally likes men. We certainly likes the way they feel. We is quite affectionate and prone to hugging, impulsively, ritualistically, lovingly and sometimes bone-crushingly. Now get that idea out of your sick minds, people…we just is a hugs person. While we quite enjoys the hugs that our sisterhood of women holds open to us, we knows well that a man’s body feels quite nice in a different way altogether. We do have a certain number of male friends whom we hug from time to time, but all of them being straight and men being men (what with one thing or the other…), we needs to ration our hugs and keep checking from time to time that the relationship (and hence the hugs) stay strictly platonic. This is a bloody pain as you may well imagine…having to ponder over something whose appeal is in how unthinkingly you do it…quite shatters everything. A gay man would be quite different..we just wouldn’t need to worry about him falling for us or us falling for him (Annoyingly ONE of those things seems to keep happening…never simultaneously though!)

We has never really known any gay men closely and we realizes that all that we reads and sees in the movies about gays could well be over-dramatized stereotypes. Indeed we has met at least one gay man (though we isn’t close to him) and he exhibited none of those traits…err, except perhaps a penchant for jewellery which he restricted to a bead bracelet and a shell on a string around his neck. He also was clean-shaven, had hair styled better than us and looked like he had just stepped out of a shower (something that we never manages to achieve even 2 seconds after we steps out of a shower…we always look like we got caught between time-zones and planets). Yeah, he looked great…but well, we could just as well say that about the metrosexual man, couldn’t we?

We is assuming of course that gays are just men except that they have emotions like women (including their sexual preferences…yes, that may be a physical decision for men but its an emotional thing with women).

We finds that straight men fall woefully short of our exacting standards when it comes to friendship. And errm…if they meet those standards then love or lust or both come into the picture ruining the whole thing (don’t ask us why lovers can’t be friends…that’s another post). Once we tried to convince Dee to turn gay but he turned and ran away instead. We has had some offers from straight men to be friends, some of them our ex-boyfriendses. However, typically us, we ask them suspiciously, “What’s in it for you?”. Please don’t ask us what answers we’ve received, suffice to say that an ex-boyfriend will never ask for something that you actually DO want to give! Typical female logic, we can hear them echo…

And that’s precisely the crux. If you’re male and can see the point in that, we’re willing to lay a bet (a small one…we isn’t a gambler) that you’d like men for the same reasons we do. In that case, do drop us a note, we’d be glad to talk to you.

We would like to believe in the value of male company without the complications of sex. Now here’s what you can find if you do find us.

You can expect us to be as catty and as appreciative of men as we thinks you might be.

We will be willing to take your advice on what looks good on us (and really believe you know what you’re saying!) We will NEVER make fun of any ‘unusual’ hairdos or dressing that you may choose to wear…we is an individualist ourself and we understands perfectly well what an ill-timed, “What on earth are you wearing??” can do to your soul.

We loves chocolate and recently discovered a certain weakness for wine. We will be perfectly willing to get drunk with you (which we has refrained from with past male company). And oh, if you wishes to get drunk, we volunteers to stay sober and take you home.

On to bigger things, we will be your support system (if you need it..because we will remind you that you are brilliant, you are beautiful, you are marvelous and do not need anyone!). Our number will be on your quick-dial list to call at 3 a.m. if you can’t sleep. We will give one black eye to anyone who makes fun of you (two if the offender is male).

We will give you as many hugs as we like (and you like!) and don’t worry, we will NOT try and sneak in a kiss, no matter how devastatingly good-looking you are. We tend to have a thing for men who do have a thing for us first, that way…

We will also, true to the female code of friendship conduct, never try to steal your man. And we will expect the same from you. Oh and yes…we will do everything in our power to widen your social (and dating) circle…all the while bearing what YOU want, in mind.

And most of all, we genuinely, really will RESPECT you. (That does not appear to be a top priority with the men we has encountered but we gets a feeling it might matter as much to you as it does to us.)

And now finally, we wishes to say that light-hearted as this post may seem, we says this in all seriousness. We are in serious danger of losing all belief in the goodness of 50% of the world’s population. And we think you may be our only hope of saving it! We does not wish to began hating all men. Now if we could meet just one decent man, we might turn that tide. And perhaps the way to do that is to meet a gay man.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on November 26, 2006, in Battle of the sexes, Relationships, Times, they are a-changing. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Just a thought: Wouldn’t it be easier for you to turn gay, make it public, so that men don’t have any misconception about any ‘after-benefits’ later in the evening; and you don’t have to go looking for ‘gay men’; just ‘men’ (those who fit the bill) would do. *Hey you tried convincing Dee to be gay, hence my suggestion* 🙂 😛

  2. @Brad

    my sentiments exactly

    @Idea

    he he he. I like Brad.

  3. @ Brad: But we doesn’t want to be gay…we quite enjoys men! We just gets greedy and wants to be able to see men as human beings for a change and not the deranged alien invaders that they’ve been so far!!!!

    @ Daft bug: :-p. We will have to make Brad stop stealing away thunder, won’t we?

  4. Erm…. I could always enjoy all the above benefits with 1. Big Brother, 2. Same Aged cousin… Both of whom, I mUst pont out were straight.
    Must thank parents in that respect. Also Grandparents for giving parents siblings.
    Hmmm… Does that mean i need to start thinking baout Pickwick-II???? *SHudder*

  5. @ Rajni: Yessiree…we thinx u should. We hasn’t been blessed with a sibling…and errrm, generally aren’t predisposed to making men brothers now.

  6. Australopithecus

    I’m not gay, I’m just happy….and stoned….I shouldn’t be near a computer now.

    PS I can type my name stoned!! Whoa!!!!

  7. @ Australopithecus: :-D. Happy and stoned is interesting…what a pity you aint gay!

  8. Maybe you can try a eunuch or better still train an orangutan…

  9. @ male species: Interesting idea except for the orangutan…haven’t I had ENOUGH of male apes already????

  10. You need to read this. PLEASE do read it.

  11. @ Eye-roller: I have read this before. If you actually know any such man, please point him out to me….I’ll be most happy to admit I was wrong.

  12. You know absolutely no such men? Reminds me of a certain guy I know who bitches that every single woman he has ever been with has been a cold and manipulative bitch. And there were plenty. Do you really think it’s possible that each and every single one of them was rotten, while he was the poor innocent victim?

    And even arguing that all of them WERE, in fact, tyrants – what does it say about his judgement? Surely, there must be something about him if he always ends up with the gold diggers.

    “For our selfish convenience there are loads of places that seem to open up to us provided we is with male company.” – Atleast you realize it’s selfish. Most ‘feminists’ dont, and will argue that it isn’t the same thing as men who imagine that if you go around with them a lot, that entitles them to sexual liberties. Somehow, the sort of favours we expect of men, to serve our own purpose, is morally better than the sort that men expect of us.

    On that note…

    “We is quite affectionate and prone to hugging, impulsively, ritualistically, lovingly and sometimes bone-crushingly. Now get that idea out of your sick minds, people…we just is a hugs person.”

    Right, of course, it’s perfectly fine as long as you do it. That’s the way it is. Apparently, equality means that we can dress the way we please, and wear as little or as much as we choose to. Understandable – after all, it really is our right what we choose to do with our personal space, and surely we must have something as basic as sartorial freedom.

    And yeah, we also can choose to smile coyly at a guy, or hug a guy, or even kiss a guy – it’s all fine. Harmless flirting, it would be called, at worst.

    But apparently, equality also means that above and beyond these freedoms, we have the right to expect total passivity on the part of all males. They shouldn’t look at us. Or rather, they should telepathically know whether we want them to look at us or not. And if so, what SORT of a look, in what WAY, and for how many seconds…

    And of course, they aren’t allowed the liberty of hugging and kissing at whimsy. It’s unacceptable. They cant ‘just is hugs persons’.

  13. @ Eye-roller: Have you seen my post on the Idea-smithy? Please do. I’m glad you’ve come back and raised some points and I’d really like to address them. I’m not going to shoot you down, as stated before, I will concede where I think I’m wrong. But this form of communicating through comments is inconvenient.

  14. Well i would have offered myself(Even though i disagree with the gay straight classification style http://fictionalautobiography.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/have-been-writing-my-autobiography-during-philosophy-lectures/… )
    Statutory Warning: very long winded and rambling story…

    But on a more practical note am not in mumbai… but in bangalore… So… sorry..

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