Monthly Archives: September 2006
Does anyone know what the best ‘ex’ policy is? I admire…no, I am deeply envious of those enlightened souls who are ‘great friends’ with their exes. They’ve obviously got it all figured out just great and I haven’t reached my Bodhi tree as yet. I am struggling, as yet in vain, to define just how to deal with that increasing species called ex-boyfriends. (Here and here are some previous attempts)
My trouble these days seems to be too-fast exes rather than just too-many! Well…that too but mostly I’m alarmed now by the rising conversion rate of boyfriend/consistent date to ex. I was born finicky but I seem to have just turned fussy now. Hence, having concluded that men in general, have only one head that can actually be put to any use, my super-high standards of dating are crumbling. But after awhile, I can’t pretend my interest remains nor that my patience stays constant.
Which brings us to the issue of the ever so sensitive, ex-policy. Now a guy I recently dated said that he was great friends with all his exes. I retorted, “well, you don’t know me as yet.”…ah, I was being peevish but I don’t like being clubbed into one junta-group like that. Then I said, “I have a different equation with each person I’ve dated and that’s because I was a different person with of them.”
Which is all very fine, but each one takes up even more effort than the relationship/dating schedules did. For starters we have the relationship issues, differences and incompatibility in the starring roles of BIG HURDLES to being friends. Spice that liberally with any fights, verbal arrows that would have been thrown and you have a masaledaar creation that’s not going down with any amount of antacid. Okay, fine, some people have amicable break-ups. Everyone isn’t a melodrama queen like me, perhaps (oh, but how??). Then we get to how to face someone who’s seen a side of you that the rest of the world doesn’t?
I think my biggest shame in meeting the ex-love of my life was the memory of an extremely sappy (and scorching) love letter I had written to him on his birthday….which of course he refused to return or destroy….gave me a good enough reason to let me go of him at least and there you are. (But oh how mortifying!!! I hope I never see him again….)
Then there are the more obvious and twenty times more mortifying incidents. I had a day that started off just fine till I bumped into someone I’d ‘politely declined’ after a few weeks. Which is fine, since we hadn’t discussed it too much since then. And then he remarked that I must have had a rocking weekend. I wondered what he was on about till I realized in the rush to get out of the house, I hadn’t had a proper stab at my make-up as yet. If he’d been a part of the Master card ad, it probably would have read
Weekend alone spent on DVDs: 700
Getting there early: 1000
New shoes after losing old ones trudging through mud on a rainy day: 3000
Spotting the hickey before she does: PRICELESS
I so much wish I could have wiped that smirk off his face. Well….then again…
Knowing who was really responsible and it certainly wasn’t YOU!!!”: ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS
Smirk smirk….I think I’ll stick to being the catty ex.
One of my friends was telling me about his former room-mate (also once a classmate) and how they got along really well. He said he’d gotten up early one Sunday to make him a nice breakfast and the maid servant was rather scandalized when she discovered it wasn’t for some girlfriend but for another guy!!! I think it was a nice thing to do, nevertheless. Especially because my best friend once woke up early on Sunday morning to make me breakfast too. And I adored her for it. While we spend sooo much time talking about (and trashing) our relationships with the opposite sex, we rarely ever acknowledge the value of our bonds with people of the same gender.
I have a lot of friends, male and female. I myself spend most of this blog talking about men. But the fact is that there are so many of the wonderful people in my life are women. Some of my dearest friends. I had this great pal back in college. She was different from me…..sort of a complement. Exactly one year older than I was, we even celebrated two of our birthdays together. It felt like she was the ‘other side’ of a Cancerian……the quiet, tender, gentle aspects that I never admitted to publicly, she was while I was the headstrong, no-nonsense, spotlight-loving Cancerian side that she hid. She and I…we were perfect and complete. We’d spend hours and hours on end together. People started to murmur that we were lesbians. I laughed till my sides ached while she looked at everyone else contemptuously and continued our talk. In time we parted ways for reasons I won’t go into, in this post. But it was a very painful parting for both of us. A couple of days later one of my friends came up to me and said, “I wish you’d tell her to stop going around telling people that the two of you have ‘broken up’. That sounds unbelievably sidey.” I didn’t say a thing. To him or to her. That break-up hurt just as much as breaking up with my boyfriend did. Perhaps more.
The lady I call my best friend today probably loves me much more than any man ever did. And I am far more committed to her happiness than to that of any man, at least as of today. If it ever came to it (and I hope it won’t) and I had to choose between her and a man, I’m quite certain I’d pick her. She’s far more important to me than any romantic/sexual partner is ever going to be. I won’t go into the science of why we bond with people of the same sex. Somewhere that kind of friendship, to me, acquires a level of ‘purity’ that friendship with people of the opposite sex can’t have. I’m speaking of course of a completely asexual friendship here…there’s something deep and pure about such a bond. Is it because I’m a woman and supposed to live in the realm of the emotional rather than the physical that I value a 100% emotional relationship above a physical/emotional one? I don’t think so. Men bond too. And in some ways, even better than women do. Allowing for stereotypes, I think most men get along better with each other, irrespective of the nature of their links, than women do.
And yet, it seems like they have even less social sanction to do so than women do. I can still talk about really loving my best friends and being so close to them. I imagine most men would shy away from saying such things even about people they are really very close to. Why, though?
You know who the best kind of guy friend is?
You can admit to being madly attracted to him and he’ll look at you in the eye and tell you the truth if he is not. And after that, he won’t stop taking your calls or meeting you.
You can confess undying love to him and he won’t sleep with you unless he reciprocates.
If another guy breaks your heart, he won’t mash him to pulp but would consider it if you asked him to. And he definitely won’t bond with that guy no matter how many interests (and ex-girlfriends) they share!!!!
He can call you whiny, drippy, weedy, dependent, clingy and over-emotional but NEVER when you’re actually crying.
He’s willing to be your date when you’re stuck or stood up but won’t feel too bad if your boyfriend shows up again and you decide to go with him (again!).
He’s quiet. Or talkative. Charming. Or devilish. Thoughtful. Or forgetful.But he doesn’t change his treatment of you depending on the stage in your relationship.
He doesn’t dangle girlfriends or admirers under your nose all the time.
He doesn’t have a girlfriend…or better still, is gay!
He’s a guy but he actually cares about what you feel. All in all, he treats you like a buddy but remembers you’re a girl.
Now that’s a guy really worth having as a friend. Ladies, do you suppose such men exist? Men, shut up, I don’t believe you.