Slap Him, He’s A Guy!

He said,

Would you slap me if I asked you to spend the night with me?

I said, “No.
He looked positively thrilled as he squeaked, “Are you sure?” (Perhaps he assumed I was saying yes to the implied question when I said no to the direct one….does that make sense? Search me….that’s male logic)
Positive”, I monotoned,

I don’t go around slapping people for things like this. There are worse crimes, you know.

She hit me like a freight train...

She hit me like a freight train… (Photo credit: rhobinn)

It is true. I don’t particularly enjoy violence. I didn’t even bat an eyelid when a roadside Romeo ran the oh-so-corny “Umar hai solah, kamar coca-cola” line on me last week. Yup, I’m a lily-livered, many-feathered chicken in such matters. Verbal warfare is my forte but no, I’m not getting into a clash with someone who might decide to fling some acid on me tomorrow.

Now a guy whom I know, that’s different. Well…not so very much. I would stay and defend my ground but I still don’t like the idea of hitting someone to make a point. I mean, if you can’t win by superior logic and intellect then maybe you aren’t superior after all. Why stoop to such base instincts, then?

I have only slapped a guy twice in my life. The first time was a mistake. A hot-headed 13-year old trying to handle peer pressure doesn’t think too clearly. In my case, I just delivered a stinging slap on the face of the guy I thought was passing around a photograph of Pooja Bhatt in a horrendous costume, with my name scrawled over it. As it turned out, someone else was responsible and he was just looking at it. Poor thing suffered a crush on me as well….which oddly enough, seemed to increase in fervour after this episode.

The second time, I wasn’t hitting. I was hitting back. And that needs no more justification than just that.

So yes, contrary to some popular perception, I do not carry artillery around

with me. (Yes, there was that one boyfriend who used to sign off his letters as “Xena’s guy”…..dysfunctional imbecile, he thought it was cute!)

Not that anyone seems to believe it. Why would anyone be surprised? You can say yes. You can say no. Yes, just say it. You don’t need to demonstrate it. Well, sure there are those who don’t understand the word the first time round. But there are a few hundred ways to convince them. None of them involve touching them.

Is the physical so important to underline the emotional, the mental? There are people who are subtle…I’m not one of them. But I don’t need to mash someone to pulp to prove that I’m not to be messed with.

As an endnote to women: Dahlings, if he’s annoying enough for you to want to hurt him, why touch him at all? If you have to hit, aim where it hurts….his ego. Men may come in all shapes and sizes but they are united on this one point. Sticks and stones may break his bones but a carefully phrased sentence can tear him shreds in an instant. A slap is nothing in comparison.

Choose your battles and use your words well.


The fine print:
And anyone who thought that this post had something to with kinky sex on account of its title and are still waiting…HAHAHAHA! Look at the title of this blog….I bet at least half the people who saw it first thought of steamy b-grade movies. I love word-play.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on May 2, 2006, in Battle of the sexes, Harassment & abuse, Relationships, Survival Guide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I don’t think i’ve ever been slapped by a girl. Men have hit me, and i’ve hit some back, but no ladies.

    Then again, i don’t maaro lines at women on the street.

    Say, your tattoo, its not Draco (the constellation) is it?

  2. XXF says.. “If you have to hit, aim where it hurts….his ego.”

    Well..there’s another place where it hurts… its also called his EGO a.k.a his External. Genital. Organ…

    hahahha.. I’m so funny.. its SCARY sometimes..

    But seriously..there are times when you need to hurt his EGO… I remember a certain BOTTOM SLAPPER who thought he could get away in a crowd.. he was trying his “hand” on my sister.. who was walking right in front of me..

    I had an umbrella..and I STRUCK with it… that musta hurt all sorts of egoes that day !!

    hahaha,
    dr.evil
    -anon1

  3. some men in my experience almost expect slaps…after rampant misbehaviour and then will use the slap against you…
    I’ve slapped a few people but really I don’t think a slap from me is going to actually do anything to someone….
    the ego – always inflate the ego.

  4. I have been slapped by a girl in what I can only assume was an accident… We were practicing for this comedy we were staging for all our neighbors and I was supposed to be the roadside Romeo following her around stage and stuff… There comes this point in the dram when she was supposed to slap me for some misbehavior I havent really done (the comic part) and in one of the practice sessions, she let go of a tight one that echoed for a couple of seconds… Needless to say, everyone was silent and waiting for my reaction and all I could do was stare in disbelief at this good looking girl who had let go of a tight one… And she blushed and we went on… In the real dram, people kept telling me I was really good in that scene and I told them I know how it feels to be an innocent bystander getting hit…

  5. Addressing the ‘fine print’, I think, I’ve been away for too long. I would never have guessed that the title could be even remotely related to a B-grade flick! *raises an eyebrow*. Furthermore, it took me a second to realize what ‘you’ meant by ‘kamar coca cola’, as Coke bottles in this part of the world look like this.
    Seriously, ‘kamar coca cola’ ??? 😛

  6. 4wd: My tattoo is just a simple dragon…a joint product of the artist’s imagination and mine.

    anon1: Yes well that too…I love the acronym!

    born a libran: Ah…so you didn’t pull her up for it? Talk about ill-timed chivalry….

    Brad: Its the latest ad from the Coke stables starring a 30+ Ashen Rai pretending to be 16. And coca-cola bottles here have the proverbial hourglass figure.

  7. @Ideasmith: No, I didnt get back cos of three reasons:
    a) I had a crush on her at the time.
    b) I was given an embarrassing chivalry lesson a couple of months before that episode by my aunt.
    c) I knew it was an honest mistake.

    Years later, we became good friends and she recounted this incident with no recollection of who the guy was and when I said it was yours truely, she blushed yet again and apologised profusely… But by then the deed was done and it was too late to get back for it…

  8. I got the hourglass thingie. I was inquiring whether you justify ‘kamar coca cola’ comments by the roadside flirt!

  9. Crap! You had to ruin it with the fine print! But seriously, what B-Grade movies have YOU been watching!
    As for the physical vs verbal confrontations, too bad things don’t work the same when it is Male vs Male, rather than Female vs Male.

  10. Brad: *Ideasmith maintains a dignified silence*

    Val: Awww…u know me…kahani mein twist and all that…:p

  11. Silence usually signifies guilt.–>

  1. Pingback: Warrior Woman | XX Factor

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