I have been watching someone suffer for over a year. He finally gave up the struggle on Saturday morning.

The women had what is called a ‘good cry’. At the end of the day, aside from the swollen eyes, they were looking more or less normal. That is not to say that they were not sad, but, having expressed their immediate shock and pain, they were able to sit up and look at life going on again.

The men on the other hand, were running around for the paperwork that seems to suddenly come crashing after a death. They made numerous trips up and down, signed endless documents, talked to countless people. They brought themselves to talk about such things as the morgue and cremation and wills. They carried the dead body that used to be a person they knew and loved, and fed it into flames. And the next day, they gathered the ashes that were left and let them fall away. All of this, without a shudder or a murmur or a tear.

I was in that strange place…in limbo. I stayed home with the ‘other’ women and held them when they cried. And then I waited for the men to come home so we could carry out the cremation.

I’m not going to say anything new or earth-shattering. Just…how cruel it is for a person to HAVE to swallow his own grief and hold his family together, just because of his gender. I’m going to mangle an old saying into “Some are born strong, some learn strength and some have strength thrust on them.” It is the inadequacy of the social system that does not allow a person to be anything less (or more) than his/her role.

I followed the funeral procession of my uncle into the cremation ground. Four years ago, when my thatha died, I carried pieces of wood onto his pyre along with the men of my family. This Saturday, I laid the final garland on my uncle before we cremated him. And finally we all stood, dry-eyed, straight-backed and talked over what was to be done next.

Perhaps I had a slight taste of what it takes to be the support structure. Society has placed men in these roles, from birth and they cope as best they can, while trying to retain their individual sensibilities. The structures are shaking now, as we infiltrate their ranks. But it isn’t that simple is it?

It is more than equal rights. It is more than education and voting and equal opportunity. It is about being strong, not having strength thrust on you.

About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on August 22, 2005, in Hormone hangover, Seriously speaking, Times, they are a-changing. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Well put! And sorry about your uncle.

  2. The social barbwire in any community, I believe, urges a male to put on an armor of stoic endurance, whether he wants to or not. I’ve noticed, some can’t cry, even if they want to and I don’t understand why! Condolences about your relative.

  3. “For every woman… About a woman… Because I am a woman”…I read ur blog title and thought twice before commenting…but a quick check of the make up of other commentors allayed my fears..

    firstly, my sincere condolences regarding ur uncle’s death..

    Though I agree with u that there exists a kinda of predefined role for every gender and age, things r surely evolving into a more equalitarian society, not just in political sense…now the question is how soon can we ring in this new order ?

    (I haven’t given thought to this….but would this new order surely be better than the current one ?)

  4. beautiful… sorry about your uncle…

    but dont you think strength lies in accepting a certain fact (atleast in this case) and getting on ahead with life, rather than feeling bad about it over and over and over again…

  5. Tears you don’t see may yet be tasted by the one being ‘strong’. A weep in solitude may be the only option, for what would one do when they see their rock crumble – whoever that rock may be.
    Take care Smithy.

  6. That day i was taken aback hearing this news.Hope you get over it soon , IS. You’re a strong woman. You must have been many’s support there, absolutely no doubt about it.
    Keep the faith.

  7. strength comes from within & it is situations like these when it is manifested the most. blessings.

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