What’s love got to do with it?

A lot of us confuse love and lust. I tend to think men do that more often than women. All my aware life, I have been hearing about how men distinguish sex from love but women equate the two. Real life shows the contrary.

True, at least in our early pubescent years, women tend to live in the rosy-spectacled fairytale fantasies of dashing, handsome, chivalrous, protective and loving men chasing us. Somewhere with age (and frequent encounters with hormone-crazed real life males), most of us get more realistic. Whether this is believable or not, most women in their 20s have a pretty accurate idea of what their hearts are saying and what their hormones are claiming.

On the other hand, men, the poor critters, seem to keep fumbling with everything that goes on inside their heads. Don’t all our studies show that men are more focussed and one-point driven? Well their brains appear to work on simple two-word commands at any single point of time “Chase her”, “Dump her”, “Bash up”, “Throw tantrum”.

A simple test (for all those who seem to think I’m a male-basher): Make a distinction between the following:

Affection
Lust
Love
Admiration
Appreciation
Friendship
Trust
Awe
Fear

I’m willing to bet that most men who read this are thinking….”Bloody word game, that’s all it is”. Q.E.D……male brains can only handle the dim notions of “Go towards” or “Run from”. The why and how of it is beyond comprehension.

I started off about love and digressed…so coming back. I’m always suspicious of a man who says he’s in love. At least half the men I’ve known have parrotted this as something out of a “How to get the girl” manual. The rest are labouring under the effort of trying to legitimise or rationalise their turbulent, mixed-up insides.

My best friend says “A man on the rebound is a dangerous man”. I second that. Anyone who has just ended a relationship feels disoriented, lost, somewhat empty and missing something vital. Of course I know women rebound too (I admit to have, myself). The difference is that they seem to know that they’re rebounding. That consciousness is generally absent in a man who will try his best to convince himself (and the new woman) about how he’s over his ex-, how he’s really ready again, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes the new woman is fooled. Yes, we’re fools that way. Advice be damned, a man who needs comforting is just too much to resist. Latent maternal urges? Crap….we ask for it, too.

I have been rather surprised recently. Through my teenage years I’ve seen several girls fall victim to the raging male hormones. I say ‘fall victim’ because the males in question have manipulated, played mind-games, sweet-talked and blatently lied to get the girl into bed. Even supposedly intelligent, ‘decent’ men have done it and its despicable because of how little value they have for the girl’s feelings and her trust in them.

Into their twenties though, a lot of them appear to have sobered down. I find I’m invariably encountering one man after another who is wistful about some girl he let go, someone remorseful over his thoughtlessness, men actually coming back to say they’re sorry. The sad part is I also see a lot of women (including me) have turned cynical and jaded. It is hard to forgive people who’ve been completely callous with you when you were most vulnerable…its virtually impossible to believe that are capable of changing.

Still…weddings are taking place all around me so I guess there is some hope after all. Perhaps its just a matter of balance. There is a certain naivete required to be in love…a certain reckless, blind faith. So long as one is able to fool the other into believing, the divine deception will continue.

Love is a glorious, many-splendoured thing, after all.

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About IdeaSmith

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelganger of Ramya Pandyan (intrepid train-traveller and frequent spouter of post-midnight rhymes and rants). As IdeaSmith she battles obscurity and slays boredom with her stories about men, books, digitalia and Mumbai. She performs live and also blogs, tweets, Instagrams, Facebooks, +G’s, Youtubes and Goodreads all as IdeaSmith. Ramya is a blogger, digital storyteller and spoken word performer. She also runs a forum for aspiring writers called Alphabet Sambar. Tweet-bomb her at @ideasmithy.

Posted on August 14, 2005, in Battle of the sexes, Times, they are a-changing. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. True, I agree with what you say. Just curious though about the last paragraph – what do weddings have to do with hope about love ?? Or was the hope about something else ?

  2. Dual_word_man_v2.0

    We now understand more than those two word commands!
    umm.. those words you mentioned.. I think the bluish ones, we feel for everybody. Those..du-uh..reddish ones, we feel for you XXs. And, umm.. those greenish ones, may be in a future upgrade.

  3. A Cynic in Wonderland

    the cynicism is what is so distressing also, increasingly i see females entering relationship with such low expectations …which perhaps is not how it should be ..almost going to the other extreme of starry eyes-dom of the teenage years

    Yup, i am one of em too i guess.

  4. hey idea, why does this have to sound so pessimistic… i fully agree that there are men like the ones you mentioned above… but i also know of men who do accept a woman’s needs and have been receptive to women… dont always look at the darker side… you will always find something bad out there… and puhleeese, please dont tell me that the women ‘ who get in bed ‘ or ‘ fall victims ‘ to men are stupid enough to not understand what’s going on… life out there is not as bad as you think it is… it just needs a change in perception to look at things…

  5. woman….i must agree that u make a lot of sense!!got me thinking….

    and yes,iam with shreyas on that why marriage gives hope?

  6. Rumpel: The blog is XXFACTOR. Its about the darker side of life 😛

  7. Simple rule to live by…
    Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts…
    Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours..

    (From the song: Wear Sunscreen)

    The rule’s simple.. but dat don mean its easy to follow…

    -anon1
    ps: suddenly Im wondering whether the comment has anything to do wid yer article… but since I already wrote it..and also “italicized” it.. I’mna leave it here !

  8. Well anon…there is some relevance there. Only wish people would follow the first mandate and not just the second.

    Looks like its time for an Apoorva-bashing post…considering the comments and threats I’ve been reading on his blog…

  9. Apoorva-bashing post? What have I done?

    *innocent look*

  10. heee haaaw… i would like to read the “apoo-bashing” post… go ahead… put it up

  11. rumpel: u 2 sided @$#%&
    On my blog u instigate me for a woman bashing post. On Smithys blog u want an Apoorva bashing post!

    Smithy, I say we both do an Iyer bashing post!

  12. Goshie there’s some serious male bashing going on in here, we cud end up with one heck of a debate if I started countering accusations leveled in ur post. As for the love vs lust debate crude as it may sound all I can say when nyone is tuly in love lust is the last thing that enters the mind and anyone who has been in love will vouch for this. When u like someone genuinely the ‘raging male harmones’ arent what’s making the decisions for u, it’s ur heart.

  13. u know idea- it is time u let ur parents arrange a nice marriage for u. the adventure involved in getting married to a stranger is great fun- totally unpredictable and it is protected with parents’ insurance coverage. what have u got to lose? a teeny weeny bit of ego that u know better?!

  14. And that bit abt ripping Dus on Sagnik’s blog, just noticed u dedicated a whole post abt it and realized the movie wud have served as perfect eye candy for all female’s a la Charlie’s Angels for the guys 🙂

  15. Blokes: Easier said than done! And you think a love marriage does not carry parents “insurance coverage”? Now thats a bad thing to say about parents!

    On a lighter note, why are u getting some poor stranger into trouble by having Idea marry him? 😀

    *ok… I sense an Apoorva bashing post on the way*

  16. apoo: understand the situation… i instigated you to write a woman bashing post… it isnt working… one because u dont have your lappie… second you dont like to post from office… so that post is put to rest for atleast some time now… till that time i would expect smithy to write a *bashing* post on apoo joshi… whats the harm in that… although i wont mind an iyer bashing post though… or better… how about bird bashing post?

  17. apoorva- our idea will make the stranger her intimate friend in a day! Nothing to fear on that score 😉 Of course, provided she says YES!LOL!

  18. Hmmm…What is written about the deception cases, applies to women as well [Referring to the last sentence.]

    Addressing the previous comment by ‘apoorva joshi’: There is hope when IdeaSmith does marry somebody coz’ of the aforementioned. [to be taken in lighter vein 🙂 ]

  19. I’m gonna put an end to this discussion! There will be no more talk of weddings (mine or otherwise!) or bashing (apoorva or otherwise!)

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