Ever since I’ve put up this slightly controversial (and I’ll admit biased and brash) post…actually even before that, I’ve been hit with the question of why I do want committment at all then if it’s such a terrible thing. My reasons may not be all deeply soulful or romantic or even honorable. As I see it, committment (read marriage) is a solution to a number of niggling, nuisance-ey problems.
Sure I enjoy the liberatedness of being liberated, the freedom to decide my own social life, the no-responsibilities carefree lifestyle that my committed friends seem to envy me for. I have written about the virtues of being single.
But there are plenty of things that I don’t like about being single. Being single means a whole lot of things to a whole lot of people (many of whom in my esteemed two-bit opinion shouldn’t poke their nose into my life at all). Here are some reasons I would like to be in a committed relationship.
- Wives of guy friends do not view you with immediate suspicion assuming that you’re just scheming to steal their man away, never mind that fact that you’ve probably had a chance to do that if you wished much before they even set foot in the man’s life.
- You are not required to be a last-minute escort (if you’re female) or chauffeur (if you’re male) for out-of-town single friends of friends/family.
- You don’t get mysteriously dropped out of movie/dinner plans with friends who are all now part of twosomes each.
- Other women (even your friends) don’t make direct or indirect references to your supposedly exciting, fast-moving sex/dating life.
- Eyebrows don’t shoot up when you pick up a baby or coo to a child. Who says single women can’t be maternal?
- You are not automatically put into one of two buckets – repulsive/sick/defective or flightly/fast/sluttish .
- You aren’t the target of unwanted and embarassing attention from married men of the neighbors/schoolmates/husbands of colleagues/ex-boyfriends variety.
- You are allowed to have problems too and no one shuts you up with “What do you know? You don’t have to run a household/adjust to a man/kids to look after.”
- You don’t have to leave parties and social engagements early so as to avoid imposing on friends to drop you home.
- Your family is willing to let you live your own life.
- Your personal life and social calendar doesn’t become everyone’s personal property for value judgement - relatives, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, co-passangers.
Obviously these are not ALL the reasons to get into a relationship. If anything these are the ‘fringe benefits’ of a relationship that have started to become so important that I’m inclined to think a good number of women would want to commit just so they can enjoy all of these. I’m really tired of having to fight a battle each time I want to do something, simply because I’m single. The same thing seems to move so much faster for women who have an ‘attached’ tag on. Granted social engagements and lifestyle options aren’t the most important things in the world. But that’s precisely why it seems like such a waste to have to go to so much effort for something so minor – or go without.
A relationship has its uses and I’m unabashed in saying that I intend to enjoy all of them fully when I get into one.
Another new blogging project. My brief – to be the straight voice of a gay desi blog. I’m excited.
I wonder who the readers will be. Will they be gays and lesbians and if so, will they have any interest in what a straight person thinks of homosexuality? Will they be people like me, straight and opinionated, in which case I’ll essentially be preaching to the converted? Will they be homophobics? And with the last question I recoil immediately. I’ve met with so many of those, especially recently, that I think I’m homophobic-phobic! As homosexuality comes out of its closet in India, so do the homophobics and to me they are no less despicable than fundamentalists opposing something they are afraid of rather than in disagreement with.
Anyway, I tell myself not to agonize (as I’m wont to do always) too much about who’s reading. So I switch to agonizing over what my co-bloggers here think. What does a gay person feel about a straight person? Do they ever find my views presumptuous, considering I am not really in the same experiences as they are? Do they ever resent the fact that my lifestyle choices are more mainstream and enjoy unquestioned acceptance while they have to fight for what (we all believe) is rightfully their choice?
And finally, I must admit I wonder what everyone thinks of me. A friend has taken to calling me a lesbian-magnet since I made the huge mistake of telling him about a time a woman hit on me. I started off thinking I was standing up for my friends’ choices but I find I end up having to defend my own as well. I particularly like what Raghu Ram (producer, audition judge of MTV Roadies, yeah the bald guy) says in HT Cafe today,
We are not strictly pro-homosexuality or pro live-in relationships. We’re pro-choice. And pro-tolerance. I can’t help but notice that intolerance comes from ignorance, and the saddest part is we don’t even try to find out about a subject before forming an opinion or passing a judgment, because it outrages our sense of morality.
I recently spoke to another blogger about Gaysi and he smiled and asked,
Great but why the clarification on the ‘straight’ part?
Awww hell, why does sexuality have to be such a loaded issue carrying so many fears and insecurities? Bleh, at least I’m not going to run short of things to talk about (yup, you guessed it, that was worry no.2 which mercifully gets struck out now). Come join me while I take a walk down this alley.