Category Archives: Ex-factor
XXFactored Jan2011: First Dates, Rapists, Chauvinism & Break-up Sales
It’s been a gritty month here at XXFactor. I didn’t get as much writing done as I’d have liked to (even though my Drafts folder is overflowing). My reading has been more sombre than usual too. Here’s starting the Valentine’s month with some link-love:
- ‘My strength is not for hurting‘: An anti-rape campaign targetted at men. (via Facebook, link courtesy Kiran Manral)
- ‘First Date Questionnaire: 30 Something Edition‘: A crazy-ass questionnaire from that old favorite Thought Catalog.
- ‘Why Men Need Marriage‘: Very, very preachy & judgmental (though not as much considering the writer is a pastor). (via Washington Post)
- ‘Can You Tell The Difference Between A Men’s Magazine And A Rapist?‘: I’ve never quite been able to reconcile pop culture’s permissiveness of porn with my fear of being labelled a prude. And now this article just makes me sad that I may have been right. (via Jezebel)
- ‘A Rant About Women‘: Women may get judged harsher than men. They’re also less inclined to take risks (of being wrong, of being caught, of looking foolish). This difference may be costing us more than we realize. (via Shirky, link courtesy Rehab Chougle & Phyrodite)
- ‘Why College isn’t really necessary for girls’ or ‘How to prove you’re an idiot’. (On Facebook, link courtesy Johann Matthai)
- You know how they say you should make a bonfire of the paraphernalia of a bad relationship? Instead, make some money off it by selling it off on Never Liked It Anyway.
You can catch the links as they come in and even post your own to the XX Factor Facebook Page.
XXFactored earlier:
- Spanx, Girl Gamers, Period Jokes & Relationship Trends
- Texting Etiquette, Gaslighting, Movember & Facebook As A Wingman
- Gender Stereotypes, Rape & What Women Mean
Like this:
When An Ex- Gets Married
Ever had this pop up on your screen?
Stop.
Scroll back to check.
Look at how many people ‘liked’.
Hover uncertainly over ‘View Comments’, then decide not to.
Visit profile page to see when this happened & what happened after.
Hover over ‘Like’ and decide against because it’ll mean notifications for the next 2 weeks. Not sure if this needs to be shoved into the face every day.
You may have broken up ages ago. You may have had closure & moved on to things that are themselves ancient history now.
You may not be in love anymore. You may never have been in love, even back then.
You may be in a relationship yourself. Or single and thankful for it.
It doesn’t matter. This will make you stop dead in your tracks and cause the breath to catch in your throat even if it is for the teensiest fraction of a second. No one saw the expression on your face. Not even a telltale blush or flush or gasp. But a tiny plop sounded inside you and you heard it. I know you did.
Every relationship, no matter how brief, how shallow, however fleeting is an opportunity, a little dirt track that could lead somewhere. It could take you to great sex, a wonderful friendship, that much-needed ego massage, fun for a weekend or a vacation or happily ever after (whatever that means to you). It’s a path that you considered once, when it opened up before you. Maybe you even took a few steps down that road. Even if you walked back or away, the road was there at some point of time for you. The message you just saw above, which made you stop in your tracks signifies that road has shut down permanently. Houseful, we have no more room, we don’t want any more, thank you very much. You may have a thousand other options but losing even one, especially one that you did consider once upon a time, will leave its mark on you.
Then there is this thing that women have about Plan B. I say women, since I’ve never really heard a man use the phrase. Perhaps men do it too, only they call it different things or (characteristic to men), they don’t think about it. But it exists. My best friend once told me,
“If you’re still looking, you’re not really committed.”
I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that. There’s no question in my mind about who the most important person in my life, right now. But that doesn’t mean other people who were once important, cease to exist altogether. Friends who’ve been married and happily, steadily, comfortably so, report the same feeling.
It’s a strange blend of nostalgia, comparisons, smugness & wistfulness, laced with just a hint of pinprick pain. There ought to be a word for it. I suppose the Portugeuse ‘Saudade‘ comes closer than any other word but it doesn’t completely describe it.
I know this and I even know the train of words that went through your head right after you saw it. Maybe you even said most of them.
Good for them.
Isn’t it kind of early?
I’m happy they found happiness with somebody.
How did they meet?
When is the wedding?
(Add sarcastic/bored/snide tone if your relationship with them was rocky)
And all of them were true. But they don’t negate that inexplicable place in your throat where you’re not able to swallow, that funny leap in your stomach that’s got nothing to do with what you ate and the words that come out of your mouth, sounding at odds with what you’re feeling inside.
I know. We all do.
Like this:
Getting Divorced in India
* Image via Wikipedia
Image via Wikipedia
So a couple of weeks back we had our first hearing at the court.
If you want to get divorced in India – make sure its mutual. If its not – then my lawyer says,
“The only party who benefits is the lawyers.”
Sooner or later – and egos ensure it is later – you will realise it is not worth the trouble and wish it was mutual.
It was around 7 months ago that we realised that our decade long marriage couldn’t be salvaged. It had been on the rocks for four years and while there was no cheating or extra-marital affair – there were the little things that were actually the big things. The value differences. The expectations. Whoever says that love conquers all hasn’t really tried marriage to a person with a very different value system.
Back to the subject of the post. A friend referred me to a lawyer and we both met him. He was pretty cool. Said that he’d have to say that we had been living apart for a year at least – and then we’d have two hearings in front of the judge – 6 months apart. And that was something he couldn’t influence. The Supreme Court has that as an order. Yes, the law can be an ass.
So we went to the judge one Saturday morning. Surrounded by other couples – not all of them going through a “mutual separation” – heard accusations of domestic cruelty and of one spouse turning up and no word from the other.
When our turn came – the judge only spoke to our lawyer (for the purpose of the
hearing we needed to have separate lawyers – and our lawyer had got an additional lawyer before the hearing – and got him to prepare what is called a “vakalatnama”) and then much anti-climatically he looked at the papers then enquired about the address proof and then passed it to the clerk to give us the next date after six months.
That’s it.
I discovered that unlike Hindi movies lawyers don’t call Judges “Mi Lord” – in NCR they call them “Janaab” 
So that was it. I was semi-divorced (or semi-married) as I signed the court papers – and will be until the next hearing.
Flirting on Social Media
Image via CrunchBase
This post was inspired by a comment on my previous post. Apparently these days social media is a great way of meeting women (see slide number 25 in this ppt) .
So since I am out of touch with dating – I went ahead and opened up a Twitter account. Here’s where you can follow me.
And of course, I have a Facebook account too (who doesn’t?) so I got a little active there too.
So here’s the big discovery – it’s damn difficult to build a following on Twitter if you have an anonymous account. Nobody wants to follow me. But interestingly, a couple of women have been flirting with me – two have actually admitted that they believe in polyamory. Yes. There is justice in this world. One actually DM’ed me her email id and wanted to know my name – and even came on Gtalk. By the way, if you’re interested to connect with me on gtalk my id is marriedsingleagain 
On Facebook, there have been a few queries about my ‘relationship status’. And I guess it’s to do something with perceptual set. You know, the feeling when you buy a car and suddenly start to notice lots of cars of the same brand on the roads? Suddenly a lot of divorced/separated women have started noticing me. They pop up on FB chat or message me their number. Some of them are damn good looking – and it confuses me. Should I read anything more than sympathy in those messages? For example see these messages I get on Twitter.. why do women have to be so infuriatingly complex 
I was talking recently to a female friend who got divorced some time ago and she shared that the number of people who hit on her after knowing she got divorced is like almost 90% of the men she meets, and that men somehow think “a divorced women probably wants sex all the time cause she’s not getting it”
Some people suggested I try out a dating app called Zoosk on FB, and a dating website called BeNaughty – but they seem to be money making rackets – specially when a female in skimpy clothes (in the DP, no not that DP you dirty mind!) suddenly wants to chat with you as soon as you open an account – that’s fishy! And of course they want you to pay, for accessing messages sent to you :O Hello, this is the internet, peepullz ! So stay away from those crappy sites
So I’ve decided that social media is not really going to get me a date… and I am not going to make a pass on any woman using Facebook and Twitter… maybe a little flirting, being a little naughty online… but a relationship? Nah… Not until my divorce comes through and I resolve myself psychologically…
Yes, I do think I am not fit mentally to get into a relationship anytime soon. But flirting should be ok, right?
The Myth Of Monogamy & The Promise Of Polyamory
Image Source: James Callan on Flickr (via Zemanta)
The Single Married Man says:
Yes, I am back.
So what do we talk about today?
How about the reasons why men cheat? But I am sure there are tonnes of articles and justifications that you can find on the internet (Google informs me there are 4.7 million results when you type that phrase in)
So I thought I’d merely point you to a couple of very interesting articles someone shared online.
One was this review of Stephanie Coontz’s book “Marriage a History” which says:
“Marriage was a way of turning strangers into relatives, of making peace, of making permanent trading connections,” Coontz says. “There are many different languages that call wives the Anglo-Saxon equivalent of the word ‘peace-weaver’.”
The other was a blog post written by Dave Pollard who writes:
Anthropologists have concluded that such settling is unnatural, and that is why the chemistry of love binds us to a single partner only for a brief period sufficient to produce offspring and ensure they are sufficiently provided for until they are weaned.
Personally speaking, I am attracted to people all the time, and I don’t mean it in a sexual way all the time. Today’s generation calls it by new names like “Friends with Benefits” and the needless need to label relationships.
Happiness comes not by defining and putting boundaries around a certain thing, but by expanding it.
In my decade of being married I can count the moments of true happiness and the hours of feeling burdened with expectations and pain and hurt.
Yes marriage is hard work. And while people crib openly about going to work on Mondays and celebrate by saying “Thank God it’s Friday” – no one (at least publicly) says they are sick of marriage.
Commitment. That’s a big word. A word that gets interpreted by different people even if its the same context. Add infidelity to that list.
Women say commitment has to be not just physical but emotional as well. However, every married man doesn’t share everything with his wife. How about bitching about his wife’s habits to the boys? Is that a break of commitment? How about sharing that with female colleagues? Suddenly the lines blur, depending on who the audience is.
“But its the intent” Do I hear you say?
Unfortunately, intent is never visible – no matter how much intuition you go by. What matters is behavior. In offices men and women often end up having “office spouses” – a usually platonic relationship. Would their “real spouses” call that “emotional infidelity”
In the overall analysis, every man and woman has different emotional, intellectual, sexual needs. So why not have different “loves” for each need. And such needs change with time too. People grow apart.
Our parents’ generation did not marry for love – hence they stayed together. If we marry for love at least we should be committed to love itself.
Related articles
- Monogamous vs. Other Type of Unions (socyberty.com)
- Is monogamy bad for marriages? (johnmeunier.wordpress.com)
- Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory (blogher.com)
- A monogamy cheat sheet (salon.com)
- Beyond Polyamory (psychologytoday.com)
How To Deal With The Single Married Man
Ideasmith says,
Please join me in welcoming XX Factor‘s first guest-contributor. He’s a friend who often has an interesting male perspective to offer on the posts. Meet The Single Married Man and here’s his first post:
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Why does a relationship fall apart?’
I still don’t know the answer to that question, though I suspect its got to do with expectations.
We don’t talk of expectations or values when we are flush with the glow of infatuation. However expectations are what make/ruin a relationship – and they have to be communicated in advance.
A lot of the expectations can be “value” or “condition” based – things like “I want a husband who keeps a steady job and buys a house for me by the time we are 30″ – if you can’t meet that, buddy, you’re doomed.
I have been married for 11 years – and I am going through a divorce now…Have seen my behavior – scrutinized it – so here are the top tips for dealing with a married man going through divorce
1. He will hit on anything in skirts/salwar kameez/jeans – As someone who’s been married the guy will try to see if he’s still “got his game” – so he’ll try out all the old lines on all the single/separated women
2. If you’re a married woman don’t tell him about your bad marriage – Divorcing guys hone into married women going through a bad patch. He’ll think you are “fair game” without the baggage
3. What had attracted her to you is the bone of contention – Remember what she found adorable about you – your forgetfulness – your laid back attitude , she will hate you for it. And other women would like you for it. Don’t fall for it.
4. He’ll be teary eyed and emotional – We saw Sanjeev Kumar in “Pati Patni aur Woh” – learn the lesson
5. If you’re single – and are attracted to grey hair – deep voice , stay away
In time the married guy will go through a divorce and be single again. Until that happens, legally – give him a wide berth.
- The Single Married Man
Related articles
- Soul Searching After Divorce (divorcedazed.wordpress.com)
- The Happy Divorce (psychologytoday.com)
- I have a theory. You know how the divorce rate in the US sucks… (skillzmcfly.tumblr.com)
Tangled Hearts
A friend of mine used to say that at his wedding, he’d play the following song by Julio Iglesias,
“To all the girls I’ve loved before
who’ve travelled in and out of my door
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
to all the girls I’ve loved before”
What an excruciating move! Like the final, last blow to think of an old love on the day of one’s wedding and also, at that crucial moment of giving up everyone else for one person, to dedicate that moment to everyone else.
Human beings are strange and vulnerable. We need, so very desperately, to believe that we are unique, that we are special…knowing all the time that we are not. Maybe those of us who understand that best are the ones who most need to feel especially needed.
Having influenced somebody isn’t enough. It still twists your heart into a pretzel to see that they’ve moved on and are well and happy without you. And moving on and away also has a way of wrenching something akin to blood from within you.
Ah love, what emotional acrobats you make of us!!
~O~O~O~O~O~O~
An earlier version is here. Also posted at Yahoo! Real Beauty.
How To Break Up
I read an article which touched a raw nerve. The article had tips on how to break-up while avoiding the discomfort of the whole process. Now, having gone through this so very many times, I can attest to the fact that practice does not make perfect. There is no easy way to dump someone or get dumped for that matter. In either case you look bad. It is uncomfortable for both parties.
That should perhaps be one’s solace, that no one is the ‘winner’ in this. It’s a relationship that needs termination, not a race or a war – at least I hope it hasn’t reached that stage. Even in the worst, most unpleasant situations, try and remember that there must have been some nice moments with the person. That’s probably preachy and I can’t live up to that always, myself, so I’ll try another tack.
Speaking out of pure practical intent, if it’s over, the person and the relationship do not deserve any more time and attention invested in them. Make a clean break, it is really the simplest thing to do. Elaborate farces, heavy emotional drama all of them take their toll…or at very least require you to do SOMETHING…anything.
And finally I think anybody who has been close to you, even briefly deserves the dignity of the truth, at least. Leaving a person with empty questions is consigning a shitload of emotional baggage to their lot. Maybe that’s what you want after how they’ve made you feel…but really, how much do you gain over making a person think of you everyday, badly? I’d rather they don’t think of me at all than think of me maliciously.
Don’t bother with the blame-game (how does it matter who is responsible anyway? Believe me you’re going to feel just as shitty about it, whether you acknowledge it or not). And honestly, honestly it does not matter who actually verbalises it, partings are generally painful anyway.
As for how they are going to react, if you’re breaking up with them, why should it matter anymore? I tell myself that…and yes, I’m a person who can’t handle other people’s emotional scenes and tears. They are responsible for their behaviour but you are responsible for yours.
I’m all for a clean break, the simple truth, served up direct without frills.
Being at peace with yourself is often a function of how cleanly you’ve lived your choices. Think of all that, the next time you need to call a halt to a relationship.
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*An earlier version was posted here. One version appears on Yahoo! Real Beauty.
Like this:
Fallen Eve
To ‘the one special woman’,
You are the stuff of memories that never fade, rust or get forgotten. You are the overriding factor above everything hormonal, practical, emotional, logical and fair. Indeed, you must be special.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Do you know who I am? I am the one who he leaves to chase you. Or the one who battles with the insurmountable statue of you up on the pedestal. I am the real-world girlfriend. I spend the boring, traffic-laden, polluted days with him while he reminisces about the special candlit dinner-violin serenaded moments with you.
Actually we’ve met a few times. Once you were a good friend who toyed with the idea of him while I stood around waiting and then handed him back to me, slightly soiled, a few months later. The thing is you gave back to me his bruised ego to heal but not the fragments of his heart. That you kept for yourself and I’ll never be able to touch them.
Some other times you’re a stranger, nice and pleasant. You are never off-balance, never irrational, you never scream like a banshee. No, I do that….after all, security brings a level of peace and calm and I wouldn’t know what that looked like.
A lot of other times we haven’t actually met or even spoken. I’ve looked at photographs of you, heard about you from friends (and from him) and wondered a great deal about what you must have that I don’t. You aren’t prettier. Or smarter. Or nicer. Or more loving. But in his memories, you are incomparable.
I’ve thrown in the towel a while ago. I can’t compete with a memory. Or perceived perfection. I am real. Flawed, inconsistent, imperfect. I have acne, PMS, extra inches around my tummy, doubtful taste. I’m the real thing. Well…that can never compare with the poetry of a fantasy, can it?
Your position isn’t exactly a complete one either. For you do know what will happen the minute you succumb? You’ll turn into me. I guess you know. Which is why you let this state exist as it is. I guess it is better to be adored from a distance than ignored right to your face.
Do I sound bitter? Yes, I am. Very. I wanted someone to want to settle down with me, not settle for me. No one wants to feel like a consolation prize.
‘My Best Friend’s wedding‘ was about me. But I am not always like that. The platitude talks about wanting happiness for someone you love, even if it is not with you. I aspire to do that, even if I don’t always succeed. Believe me, if you think its difficult being friends with me, you have no clue what its like for me to battle envy and resentment and like you for who you are. Well, you are likeable. Which makes it even more difficult.
I won’t ever tell you this to your face. Why, I wouldn’t even admit to him that he’s important enough to me to colour my thoughts of another person. But I feel it. I guess all I have left is the thought that….
Eve’s greatest enemy isn’t Adam
But another Eve
Even if you are a better woman than I am, I love him more than you ever will. Now if only, he’d understand that. But that probably doesn’t matter.
Signed,
The ordinary woman
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An earlier version of this post is here. A version is also posted at Yahoo! Real Beauty.
IdeaSmith
thesinglemarriedman
The Armchair Philospher
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