Can A Straight Woman And A Lesbian Woman Be Friends?

That’s like asking if a guy and girl can have a platonic friendship, isn’t it? The question is given the possibility of a sexual/romantic connection, can a relationship exist even without it?

Okay, let me get out of the pseudo-intellectualising and go real-life. I do know some lesbians. One of them is a friend. She hasn’t actually ‘come out’ as they call it or even ‘confessed’ to me, if such a revelation can be labelled a confession (as if it were a crime and one should look shamefaced about it!).  Yet, I know. Don’t ask me  how. I’d be a terrible friend if I didn’t realise it. As it is, I’m probably not as great a friend as I ought to be if she hasn’t felt comfortable sharing the truth with me. Or perhaps it is just too personal, too precious to her to speak about it. Either way, I’m fine with it. After all, I don’t consider friendship as a permission to sit in judgement and I also don’t think that one’s orientation bears judgement by others.

So that’s as far as it goes regarding our conversations (or the lack of them) about her sexuality. However there are other things…undercurrents, emotions and grey areas. For example, how far do I go with my displays of affection? I’m a natural born hugger, I love hugging my family, friends and people I feel close to. Thus far the only complication has been with men, particularly the ones in my age bracket with whom there is/could be a a certain attraction. Like most other women, I’ve tried and tested the waters and reached a certain comfortable balance of physical promiximity with the various men in my life. Now we arrive at the new complication of having to consider the same thing with another woman as well.

Personally I believe that sexuality isn’t binary with a person being either homosexual or heterosexual (and how does that account for bisexualilty?) ; it is more like a range of shades and all of us fall somewhere along the scale. Oh perhaps we even move up and down the scale at various points in our lifetime. Note now I’m talking about orientation not actual action so for the more conservative-minded, I’m not accusing you of doing anything that could shock you. And if you follow my belief it means that each of us is capable of feeling attraction for any other human being, male or female at any point of time in our life. I’ve written about my own bi-curiosity (as Desiblogging termed it) before. I’m quite unabashed in my admiration of other women. But I find it stops right there and I have no desire (physical, hormonal or otherwise) to go any furthur than that. That in my mind is what determines my orientation and keeps me in the dating pool of male partners.

How do you distinguish the affinity and closeness that like-minded women share from sexual attraction? How far do you go with someone you think there could be a spark of attraction with? How close do you get to someone you suspect might be attracted to you?

And therein I find I’m back on the same territory as I was a few years back when I discovered the opposite sex, attraction and love. Friendship is so wonderfully simple but the hormones just come and complicate them all, don’t they?

To come back to the case in point, my lovely lady friend appears to be in a relationship as well. How do I know? No, she hasn’t mentioned that either but it is clearly visible to anyone who knows her well. I wish I could speak up and tell her how happy I am that she has found someone special. When her eyes light up at the mention of her girlfriend, I wish I could tease her and hug her in sheer glee. But I don’t.

I also wonder sometimes what her girlfriend thinks of me. Just as I wonder what the wives and girlfriends of my guy friends think of me and I walk around on eggshells until I’m totally, completely 120% sure that they have no qualms about my closeness – I wonder in this case too whether her girlfriend ever resents me or even, well, frowns a bit at our closeness. Oh well, I think not. She seems a good sort in herself and I’m guessing if I had known her before I’d have been friends with her as well.

So to answer my own question of whether it is possible for a straight and a lesbian woman to be friends. Yes, yes, I think so. After all, sexuality is physical and perhaps mental but friendship, love and loyalty come straight from the heart.

About Ramya Pandyan

IdeaSmith is the digital doppelgänger of Ramya Pandyan. I am a writer-storyteller. I work as a Content Specialist, consulting, training and delivering Social Content that drives conversations & builds communities. Tweet me at @ideasmithy or write to me at Ideasmithy[at]gmail[dot]com.

Posted on July 8, 2008, in Relationships, Seriously speaking, Times, they are a-changing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 45 Comments.

  1. Completely agree with you about us all being at various points on the scale between homosexuality and heterosexuality at different stages of life. What we choose to do with it is a different matter. Just like we may be attracted to several members of the opposite sex, but not necessarily take each attraction to a definite conclusion.

  2. To answer your question: Yes. Till the lesbian version of “Maine Pyaar Kiya” comes around ;)

    But seriously, will the women attribute same motives to the other women as men who get “too close” to them?

  3. Very well said.

    I was recently at an all-women’s conference on sexuality, being attended by quite a few lesbian women. And although there were advances and even a proposal, I didn’t in the least feel uncomfortable with any of them.

    Hehe… Maybe I have a lesbian streak, although I think I too would fall in your bracket – of admiring women and their attractiveness. Yet, irrespective of my sexuality, most lesbian women I have come across, give out a feeling of comfort and vibes of much more warmth than one would possibly get from a male friend who is attracted to you.

  4. Hey I think so too… two of my really good friends are in a relationship.. both came from conservative brahmin backgrounds, both walked out on bad marriages, found they were comfortable with their sexual preferences, came out and dealt with disbelieving families ( aunty actually asked her ” eppdi maa panradu?”) and now live together in NY and are having a blast….it didn’t feel weird or any different … when it came to relationship advice when i was going thru a tough phase – they always felt that “my next relationship” should be with a woman, coz no guy will ever be able to understand me as well… Grin!

  5. 2lesbosgoinatit

    I don’t know if they can. What does the straight woman look like?

  6. Hi . I’m a lesbian and have recently ‘come out’ to a female ‘straight’ work colleague who I had been attracted to as well as forming a friendhsip. She’s leaving work soon and that prompted a surge of emotion on my part and the need to let her know how I felt. She was fine with it and even flattered that I had written songs about her (!) and happy to keep as friends. I’ve always felt that she feels more for me then she admits and now I’ve gone too far by freaking her out with a poem expressing my feelings of desire for her and she doesn’t want to have anything personal to do with me anymore. I’m miserable – one because I have fallen for her but two and even more importantly I miss her friendship and hate to leave things like this. I deperately want to make up before she goes but can’t see her being receptive/approachable.

    Can someone advise me – should I just leave it even though it pains me terribly and I don’t think she’s happy either?

  7. By the way I relate to the idea of scales of 1 – 10 , shades of grey , boxes in some instances are appropriate but scales are much more true to reality of human sexulaity in my opinion. All of my relationships with woman in my life have been unconventional ‘straight trying it out’, ‘bi’. ‘don’t really know – it’s the person that counts’…do i gravitate towards straight woman too much and invite misery…?! You could say I’m a box – always been aware of my gayness and acted upfront to it (writing love letters to my female school teacher at age 10 !!) but i have had crushes on guys at school and had sex once with male when really randy – but although sexually may get aroused by males (fantasy/very rarely) I can’t connect emotionally – could never love a man but woman leave me breathless….

  8. its conceptually the same as being friends with a bloke no? there are some you are attracted to and others are friends.

  9. guess so – but I only have male friends through work/music and emotionally / sexually my radar is completely off otherwise .

    Since last mail we’ve come to a ‘forget and move-on’ agreement which had me bouncing off the walls with relief/delight for couple of days but I know once she’s left I’m going to feel completely deflated and gutted. I’ve got to stop wearing my heart on my sleave especially for ‘straight’ women but then isn’t love about free expression….?
    At the end of the day you don’t choose the person you’re going to connect with or fall for the chemistry/attraction just presents itself and I don’t think anyone can truly control the roller-coaster of emotions which follow. Love is a ridiculously, wonderful thing and I guess nothing has or willl ever change throughout the history of mankind…….

  10. Very well said.. I havent had the chance of facing this as of now… but yeah its going to be strange when it happens… dont know how ill deal with it…

  11. This complicated issue is being discussed more and more, and I’m glad. I’m 48 and have had this conundrum occur countless times over the past 30 years. The crux of the problem is that, yes, sexuality does occur on a continuum. Society makes one choose straight or gay. But life is messy. To the responders who equated lesbians with straight men: that’s much too simple. Lesbians are bot men without penises — they’re women.
    As regards your friend, there is no simple answer here. The issues in your friendship will be resolved over time. Good luck!

  12. I’m a lesbian who has a straight woman friend! We hugged each other when we meet and leave, we even hold hands (which is acceptable in our culture) in public. My answer is yes, a straight woman can be friends with lesbian. We chit chats like any other females do! My girlfriend had not met this friend of mine since she work odd hours but she also hugs her straight friends and all it matters is the feeling of the two of you!

  13. @ Banno, Monsoon, Maya, Italiana, Tina: Here’s to the freedom of our choices!

    @ Amey: The question is should we? And how do we distinguish?

    @ 2lesbosgoinatit: Not too different from lesbians I imagine.

    @ Jessie: I’m sorry to hear that. The heartbreak of not having your affection reciprocated is universal but you have the additional burden of unfair biases. Not every woman is open to the idea of homosexuality and I guess it would freak some women out to be the object of another woman’s attentions. Take heart though, most of the women I spoke to (and look at the comments here as well) did not sound biased.

    @ Nova: Perhaps you already are in the situation and don’t know it. My advice if I may offer it is to not make too much of a big deal of it. Friendship should ideally be far above attraction which is fleeting. And I’d say you owe it to your friend to be understanding of her feelings and supportive of her choices.

    @ Tina, Jessie: I really want to thank you for your comments. As a straight woman I can only guess at some of your thoughts but it looks like we really aren’t that different except for our respective individualities. :-)

  14. Well,
    Let me get put my comment like a ‘Post Secret’ postcard !
    I am a straight gal, I guess…though, me and my best friend we have made out ! Yeah, done everything. We both used to long for each other in more ways than emotional. It was nice, meeting every day and no one even getting a hint of what you doing inside the closed room! But down the years, we have been apart. We still maintain that we love each other and all, but she is over the ‘physical’ factor whereas I do miss her and the relationship we shared. It burns my heart to not be with her and I miss her and fantasize about her. The funny thing is, we can’t tell about this to anyone. And these feelings that we have, is just for each other, she likes guys, will marry someone soon and I like guys too…but when it comes to her, my heart just melts away.
    When I read the title, it somehow attracted me, somewhere I could relate to it. So all I can say is, if this happens, it would be like the lesbian partner is compromising on her feelings a lot but she would still do it, cos it means being with her !!!!!!!

  15. @ Been there…: Thank you for sharing that. It makes my post much richer, hearing the other side of it.

  16. Thanks for all your comments – been a while since I checked in here. Unfortunately the situation went from bad to worse. She left and that was that. I didn’t attempt to contact her and knew that eventually she would be moving away from the area. I was very sad and down and still hoped that one day we’d make up. However, she had registered her discomfort at work before she left and even though apparently she didn’t want to make it official work had to follow through with an ‘investigation’ into a charge of Harassment!! It was an extremley stressful time and given that the whole episode from ‘coming out’ to poem to her being ‘freaked out’ was over a space of one week – that was all it took. Before she cut me off she didn’t express her discomfort with my expression of feelings for her and gave me no indication that she was uncomfortable. In fact she told me that it was no big deal and that this had happened to her before. She obviously wasn’t being honest with me. Anyway – thank God it never went to official disciplinary although effectively it was deemed harassment but unintentional . That would have damaged my career for ever. It was very scary and for months after I felt like a complete freak. I found out that other people at work knew even though she told me that she had kept my confidence but thankfully work relations with other colleagues appear undamaged (I’m very social and like to get on with people and have fun on work socials so this was important to me).

    It was a dreadful experience and after that I was painfully aware of how I acted around straight women colleagues – it began to affect me as a person. I’ve relaxed to a degree now but will NEVER express my feelings to another women at work even if I think my feelings could be reciprocated. It’s too risky. When I look back on my relationships I’ve never actually had one with a woman who deems herself gay – I need to look at that.

    Anyway folks thanks for all your comments. Being friends with straight women may be no problem but as a lesbian one needs to keep to the right side of the line with expressing sexuality especially at work.

    One final thought – I’m convinced that had this been a situation between a male and female colleague it never would have gone to an official complaint – since it’s all happened I see male and female colleagues stepping over the line all the time in terms of jestures and sexual innuendoes but between m+f it seems the line of acceptability is much longer.

    I have seen her from afar since this all happened – it’s quite a small town. The first time I felt in shock and broke down crying and fled back to my car and went home…I still feel sad that this all happened and very upset that my feelings (completely innocent and all coming from the right place) could have made another person feel so disturbed.

    Jessie

  17. LEAVE STRAIGHT WOMEN ALONE DAMMIT!!

  18. Jesse:

    I’m sorry that happened. I had a similar experience with a woman who teased and flirted with me, all the while talking about how miserable she was in her marriage. There was also a solid friendship there too. Confused, I wrote her a letter telling her I had feelings for her, and that the situation was difficult for me…that’s it. You would have thought I was some kind of freak by the way she reacted. She acted terrified — it was all about her. After this humiliation, I let the friendship go, but we live in the same town and are both active in politics, so her name does come up in mutual friends’ conversations. This is always painful for me. All I wanted was to be honest with her and either work through the feelings because of the friendship or if her flirting was serious, take it from there. This is one of the hard parts about being gay.

  19. Hi – sorry to hear of your situation and thanks for your comments. Although I can take some selfish comfort if I may that I’m not alone in my experience…

    All about her – yes – this Lady was rather self absorbed. In many ways we were quite opposite but I was drawn to her none the less. Her name also pops up in conversation and every time I hear her name it cuts. I keep telling myself that I should be glad to be rid and over the situation but deep down I too want to make amends. Maybe that’s selfish on my part since it would be clearing my conscience I suppose but it’s not that – if I had one moment to see her and put right and wave goodbye on a more mutual note that would be fine.Life’s lessons I guess we all have to get through.

    The ‘freak’ thing – yes made me feel quite literally a freak of Mankind and I’ve known about my sexuality since I was 4 yrs old and apart from the teanage years of getting to grips with situation I’ve always been comfortable about being Gay. This made me feel like I was extraordinary and for a while I would walk down the streets and think that people were starry at me and that I should be locked up for the good of Womenkind! God God. Thankfully i don’t feel that anymore.

    Take care and I hope that you can move on with the situation in your life but most of all stay comfortable in your own shoes…

    J

  20. Somewhat similar story.

    Just yesterday, I took her and all of our mutual friends from facebook. Something I won’t be able to do a day before. It’s a pity, sad, but I had to do something to free myself.

    She had broke off with her 8 years bf. Big blow. Anyway, we were just friends then, only calling each other for a group gathering once in a blue moon to catch up on each other’s lives. Then we ended up working in the same company. She was still depressed over her breakup. Our colleagues were our friends, but I was the one available for her most of the time. The friendship was good and my company helped comfort her. Until one evening in my car our arms brushed, and I believed she was intentionally brushing it twice more, cos I think the first gave her something interesting, as I felt it. My hands are on the wheels all the time. I never knew for real if she felt the same. Fast forward, we hanged out together almost everyday for a few months and we both glowed, everyone noticed how “better” we looked but never realised why. Then suddenly just as I started to go along with it, she changed, closed in. I had not expressed anything but just given her comapny, so I believe it wasn’t me (yet) to have caused it, I just guessed she can’t accept her feelings for me. Said she doesn’t want me to be too close and not too far, friends. That’s the best answer she gave when I asked her what happened, why the sudden distancing. Our friendship started to strain badly because of her tensed treatment and also stress from job. Few months past until I can’t take it anymore I spilt it out to her after she quit the job, conveniently to avoid us needing to face each other. After she read my confession email, she never replied. After some pestering, she replied that she was disgusted and disappointed with me. I never told her I was disappointed too that in her eyes I could turn from a respectable caring friend into some disgusting freak just like that. I tried with as much comforting words I could and that’s it until yesterday I told her I’m out of her way now, facebook, chatlist, and phonebook, “vanished”. I’m terribly broken. Can’t eat, no longer the funny friend I was.. I feel like shit and really hate it, but I am fighting it. I don’t think I did anything wrongful, but this is what I get, a criminal punishment. Do wish me strenght.

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  23. this is something like asking a question that wheteher a girl and guy can be friends…if the answer for that is yes then may be for this one is yes too

  24. You really should change hosting companies. Your blog seems to be down about half the time I go there.

    • @Guild wars: Apparently it wasn’t down this time. I haven’t received any other complaints recently. Perhaps you caught a freak accident? Also, as you can see both your previous comment and this one appear here. I’m happy to know that this blog has a keen readership but the cutting sarcasm and accusatory tone of your comments are just plain offensive. Perhaps you should remember that this is a personal blog and that means there’s a real, live person behind it. Social etiquette doesn’t change online.

  25. Why did you delete my comment? Nice censorship you have here.

  26. Didn’t I read this EXACT SAME ARTICLE at another website yesterday? You know plagiarizing is a serious crime.

    • @PR firms: I’ll be grateful if you tell me exactly where. This post originated in my head, I have a friend who inspired it. It also happens to be cross-posted (by me) at Gaysifamily.com on the behest of the same friend. If that’s what you’re referring to, I suggest you verify your facts before hurling accusations. If not, do clarify your stance.

  27. HeterosexualFTW

    I’m a straight woman and I say no. If one of my friends came out to me, I’d leave. How disgusting.

    • @HeterosexualFTW: I’m glad you honestly spoke your mind. So I’m going to ask you to think about a few things. What exactly do you find disgusting? That a gay person has different preferences in relationships than you do? Do you find people who love food that you can’t stand, disgusting? Do you react with such vehemence to people whose tastes are different from yours? Do think about the real source of your rather strong reaction. Thank you for commenting.

  28. this seems to be the major trend today that women are falling head over heels with being with other women, instead of us straight men. to all you lesbians out there, you must of had a very rotten childhood. you women were also dropped on your heads at birth, and this was the result. this would very much explain it. what losers you women have become now. i lost all respect, for these type of women to me, they are garbage. this is a very good reason why us good straight men are having problems meeting decent straight women now. you women are certainly to blame for this, not us men. then again, you women cannot make it with a man. you are better off being the lesbian pigs that you are and always will be.

  29. [comment deleted for being abusive]

  30. @Angry Straight Dude: Obvious troll is obvious. You know how hard it is for lesbians to find women who aren’t straight? I often think how nice it must be to be a straight male. Can talk about your attraction to women freely, not feel ashamed for fancying a girl, not being paranoid of object of affection finding out in fears of you becoming a creep. So cry more, ‘so very true.’ Instead of whining, take advantage of your hetero privilege and go find a girl and don’t be sore because you pick out ones who happen to be lesbians. If the men in my life who wish I was straight (there are quite a few) or at least bi resented me and other lesbians for not being into them, I would sock them in the face faster than you can say ‘entitled narcissist.’ So learn your place and go after the many girls in your dating pool and leave my tiny one alone.

    In any case, I’m, obviously, a lesbian. I have plenty of straight women friends who I do not fancy at all. I even have lesbian friends and bi friends who are just friends. I find women attractive but it doesn’t mean there is going to be sexual tension between most women and myself. I just don’t look at the majority of girls in my life like that. However, I sometimes hesitate coming out to women because I don’t want to freak them out in the case they assume I must be attracted to them or will be.

  31. would like to say that…

    It is a blessing for me being lesbian,

    yes it is in a way hard to come out to a women you are atrackted to, i have hade some similar experiences, but nothing to be dawn or anything like that, I just fill it is all worth it, to say and express what you fill. There are all the straight women out there, Yes but the is also all the lesbian women Too, one just has to do
    the job, and find you soul mate. Each and every day, i reconfirm, why i like what i like..

  32. hi i have a real long realation with my boyfriend (9years)
    but i really want to try something with a girl
    but first i’m to shy
    and i think my boyfriend would never forgive me it’s like cheating him with a boy isn’t it

    the feelings stared a couple years ago there was a girl i really liked and i think i was falling in love with her
    i never tell her or my boyfriend

    1 friend nows how i feeled

    there is still a feeling we are not that close friends anymore

    but she make something loose in my
    i want to now how it is to kiss with a women (or more)

  33. ah thank you for posting this! i had a friend in college that i knew was a lesbian but she only came out to me somewhat recently. our relationship got confusing after a while, because while i, like you, admire other women, i’ve never had a desire to do anything further, even with her. it was very confusing when it felt like she wanted something that i didn’t know how to react to (even if she wasn’t attracted to me, it felt like she had a different dynamic with women). now i have a boyfriend that i love and have lived with for almost two years, but sometimes i get to thinking about her and i try to reconcile that with me being a straight woman–a woman who consistently likes and is attracted to men. just as relationships get messy with men, i think they also can get messy with women, especially because there are degrees of sexuality, attractiveness, and life situations. i’m still friends with this girl, and though i would never want to be in a relationship with her or have anything physical with her, i value our friendship and what we had. i’m just glad to hear that other people are figuring this stuff out–gray areas can be confusing at times, especially when all this stuff is new to a person.

  34. i would be afraid to let my girlfriend experiment with another girl, because i may lose her. and i really want her for myself, sorry ladies.

  35. Cheating is cheating. Period. I don’t care if its experimenting, or “playing”- if you are in a relationship and you step outside of it, you are a bad person.

    Insofar as the straight woman/ lesbian friendship issue, based on the comments posted it appears that the lion’s share of the lesbians here have tried to start up relationships with their straight friends. This suggests to me that perhaps lesbians cannot have friendships with straight women.

    Stick to lesbian friendly bars, dating sites or political rallies. And for your own protection, don’t fall for straights or date bi girls- you only seem to get hurt. :-(

  36. Love comes in many forms and many ways, the love a mother feels for her child, the love you feel for a pet, a man, a woman, a friend, a lover, the list is endless. Today love, real love no matter the kind is so rare and hard to find. What’s right for one may not be right for another. Who are we to judge someone else for something we may not understand and choose not to do. Why should a person get upset because another person was honest? Why should you telling me you are a lesbian and are attracted to me make me feel uncomfortable? Wouldn’t that suggest I may not be secure with who I am and what my true sexuality is? Would that give me the right to spread the word as if it was a bad thing. I lived with a lesbian for a time and loved her like a sister. We hugged, kissed bye when one of us left to go somewhere. She would sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I bathed, she knew I was straight but had I ever wanted to experiment she would have welcomed it. I did not she was disgusting because her favorite color was black and mine was blue. It would not be fair to judge what I might not understand. I can however see a relation between two women better then two men because I can only see pleasure with women and pain with men. I’m not a man so I can’t say what it is. I know men, as a couple are more open and loving, it seems while two women are more reserved and stand offish. Women seem to be more jealous and doesn’t understand a partner’s friendship with a straight person and see that person as a threat to their relationship. Maybe not all of them but the folks I’ve met. There may have been reason for that, I don’t know. Each person is different and all you can ask is for people to be honest with you but if you attack who they are how can they be honest about how they feel. That was a statement, not a question.

    Think people before you speak, you don’t know what the other person is going or has gone through. Be kind to one another. Life is so short, so very short and if you can’t say anything nice or positive please be the better person and just don’t say anything at all. If I have purple hair it doesn’t tell you who I am inside. Don’t knock something you haven’t tried or something you don’t even want to try. Just because it’s not right for you doesn’t mean it isn’t right for someone else, nor does it make it wrong. The good book I read says it’s not my job to judge and I haven’t heard god was taking applications for that position. We are all his children, he loves us all.

    • @Rudy
      That was the best heartfelt advice I’ve read in a long time. I started a job about a year ago am married have two kids, 8 and 4 lost a relative to suicide 5 yrs ago met someone at work whom I felt a connection nothing wrong in my book later I find out she is gay nothing wrong in my eyes I have always tried to be friendly because I saw goodness in her but I feel she evades me needless to say I felt hurt but I guess I can only respect her wishes, I cannot force friendship on someone but I do feel a straight/lesbian can be friends as long as boundaries are respected you love whom you love and if I knew she loved me I would reciprocate it with a love of a friend.

  1. Pingback: Gaysi: The Gay Desi » A Moral Dilemma: Being Politically Correct & Not Being A Tease

  2. Pingback: What To Do When A Friend ‘Comes Out’ | Gaysi

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